Remembering...

If my camera was beside me right now I'd take a picture. I'm sitting cross-legged on my bed, having my quiet time- and around me are piles of old journals. Nine of them, to be exact. I think 2005 is the oldest one right here. There are others beside my bed, and others on a shelf somewhere downstairs.

I realized today that it was around this time, two years ago- that we first learned about Adelia.

We celebrated her birthday a few weeks ago but we didn't actually see her until she was 14 days old, and it was several days after that that she came in our home.

It's the thing I love about journaling. I don't always know which journal it's in [I really should label those someday!], but I know I'll be able to find it within a few minutes of digging. Today, I found these journal entries:

On February 27th:

So. This is the day you have chosen to give us a daughter, Lord. This morning, we got the call. It's a go. We *are* the family for this baby girl. You, Father, have selected us. Oh, may I honor You as this girl's mama.

On March 3rd:

We get to see Addie tomorrow!!! I'm hoping at that visit we'll have a better idea as to when she's coming home to us. Found out today that she weighed 5 lbs, 10 oz at birth. I can't wait to meet her, to take pictures, to find out as much as we can about her!

The following day, I was struck with overwhelming fears about how we were going to do this. And how maybe we should not do this. Adelia's history was such that we didn't know exactly what we were getting ourselves into with her future health and development. I was so fearful of the unknown, and the enemy was having a grand time planting all sorts of "what ifs" and fears into my mind. At the time I wondered if this sudden doubt on my part was God's way of halting this process. I was quite seriously doubting whether or not we should move forward with this adoption. It was a grueling two days:

I am full of fear. Really. Like physically feeling it. Nauseous, shaky, ill.

Later that night I took a bath and I brought a book I had been reading in with me. The book was called Red Letters, by Tom Davis. This is an excerpt from the page I "happened" to be on that particular evening:

And then there is fear.... Fear brings all of the what-if's to the surface. What if I become too involved in someone's life and I lose something from my own life? ... What if it costs me my life? What if? What if? What if? Line up enough of these 'what ifs' and they start to tower over us, placing us back in the shadows. The 'what-if' life is a paralyzed life, an imprisoned life. Fear keeps us from acting on the compassion in our hearts.

God was nudging me a bit through that reading, but I was still struggling.

Mark was Mr. Steady: listening, praying, thoughtful. But certain. His only hesitation was the fact that he trusts me so much and I was having serious doubts. We asked God for peace; for clarity, and He was faithful to give it. I spent a few hours the following day with my Bible on my lap and my journal beside me- writing down verses. Beginning with this well-known verse , then this passage, from Isaiah:

Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior...

Do not be afraid, for I AM WITH YOU.

And these excerpts from Isaiah 41:

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
For I am the Lord, your God,
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you,
Do not fear;
I will help you.
Do not be afraid...
for I myself will help you.

and this verse, from Romans:

If God is for us, who can be against us?

Indeed.

Then He spoke to me through a hymn. I'll never forget the significance of that, and that particular hymn will forever be dear to my heart as a confirmation of God's desire for us to adopt this girl, our Adelia.

And then, on March 6th:

We are moving forward. God, You have shut out the fear and I am embracing this path you've brought us on. Thank you, Father! For answered prayers. For peace. But especially for shoving aside Satan and the fear he tried to defeat me with. I trust You, God. No matter what the future holds. No matter what the what-ifs. No matter what. I trust YOU. And Your faithfulness to me; to us. And Your future and hope and purposes for Adelia.

And shortly thereafter we brought home the tiny little bundle that was Adelia. By the grace of God, I did not give in to the fears and miss out on this precious girl.



(For more of Adelia's Adoption story, you can visit the archives via the sidebar. See March 2008.)