Mark's Post

Dear readers~ my favorite person on this earth (my husband!) wrote today's post. (I just added the photos.)

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This blogging thing is hard. What words do I have to add? My wonderful wife has already so eloquently written of our adoption journey in numerous posts. She's the writer. Through her journals and blog posts she chronicles the struggles, hopes and joys of our lives. She loves our children infinitely and selflessly with service and compassion. And if she could, she would start an orphanage to care for as many hurting children as we could stuff inside the four walls.

I'm guest-posting on her blog because I share this conviction to care for orphans. I'm usually a fairly quiet guy, but I have something to say about caring for orphans and adoption.

There are two verses that were most motivating to me in our decision to adopt. Stacy has already referred to Luke 12:48. The other is Psalm 68:5-6: "A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families."


I love that phrase, "father to the fatherless." That's what I have become: a father to the fatherless. And I love it. It's one of the hardest yet most wonderful things I've ever done. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love my son and my daughter fiercely and completely. From the first time I held them and fed them their bottles, they captured my heart. I'm their daddy, the one they call for in the night, the one they want to wrestle with, the one they wrap their little arms around when they need to be held.

I hope many of you have been encouraged to pursue adoption or foster care. And for those of you who are already walking this road of orphan care, I pray that God has used my dear wife's posts to encourage you and remind you of why you are doing it.

Because to be honest -- adoption and foster care are heartwarming, but both can also be really hard. And those of us doing it need encouragement. I like the way a speaker at our church put it this morning when he said that the things God calls us to are "not safe." I know there are questions and fears that keep many from adoption: How can we afford it? What if it brings upheaval to our family? What if we don't bond with the child? How do I love a child that doesn't show love back? Good questions, all of them. And I say in response: It could be terrible on many levels. Adoption and fostering can bring anguish, tears and brokenness that were never expected. But God is good and He is faithful.

And it's still the right thing to do. I've read that there are 143 million orphans in the world. And because of what we've allowed God to do (He is the one who sets the lonely in families), there are two who now get to work out their brokenness right here in our house. And I'll bear whatever upheaval and hurt that causes here, because we get to love them with the love of Jesus. The love, shelter and care we give them are nice. But what really makes it all worthwhile is that we get to point them to Jesus, who alone can restore them. And it is our prayer, our goal and our purpose with them that they will find where they truly belong: in His family.


Finally, I ask you to pray for God's work to be done in your family. God may say "No" to your stepping into adoption and/or fostering, but if He hasn't, assume He's saying "Yes," because that's what His Word says. If the door is open to you and your family, walk through it in faith. As husbands and wives, work together on this, sharing your convictions, hesitations and fears each step of the way.

(And, I'll add one final word for any husbands out there that happen to read this. (This is the man-to-man talk part of my post): It seems so simple to me. Love God. Love your wife. If God is speaking to your wife's heart about setting an orphan in your family, join her, support her, love her, encourage her, lead her. Be a father to the fatherless.)

- Mark

Thankful! {Thanksgiving edition}

{continuing on in gratitude from my initial One Thousand Gifts list}

1286~ hearing Ella sing worship songs to the girls at bedtime each night

1287~ Audra's cute little phrases: "have some?", "read dat?", "yuh you!", "follow me"

1288~ unsolicited good morning hugs from each of my children

1289~ hide and seek games under the covers to surprise mommy when I walk into the room

1290~ Ella, taking a hot bath with a book in her hands :)

1291~ my boys, happily playing dollhouse with Audra

1292~ a new stick of Burt's Bees Lip Shimmer... *perfect*

1293~ Adelia's eager hands to help me with a load of laundry this morning... then the buttermilk pancakes. She loves to get her hands on the mixer. :)

1294~ white out my window this morning... still!

1295~ memories of pulling the little girls through the yard in the sled last night, in the dark... as we waited for daddy to come home. And how Ella, Isaac, and Isaias' play was to entertain them on their sledding journey, by popping out from hiding spots to make an animal noise. Glancing back to see a rosy-cheeked Audra, carefully holding her baby doll, and Adelia suggesting, "How 'bout a kitty?" in lieu of the preferred bears that kept pouncing out from behind things. :)

1296~ grocery stores during the holiday season~ all the cheery hustle and bustle and our holiday favorites: eggnog, satsumas, and fixings for pigs-in-a-blanket!

1297~ reading our Bible story book aloud each morning over breakfast. This morning: Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, and how they refused to eat the kings food. I asked the kids, "What do you think would you have done?" and we talked about what a big thing that was for Daniel to say no, and then we marvelled together at how, when they came before the king at the end of their time? They were TEN TIMES better in matters of wisdom and understanding than all the kings magicians! I love God's word, and I love it *with* my children!

...even though it's not a "Monday" at all. ;)

{Happy Thanksgiving}

When Your Husband Doesn't Want to Adopt

Being an adoptive mother- especially one with children who do not resemble me- has made me a sort of magnet for people everywhere who want to talk about adoption. If we're in a public place, I usually get asked about our adoptive children -at least once!- and almost *always* it is from another mother.

Conversations often begin like this:

"He (or she) is so cute."

(me) "Thank you. We think so, too!"

"Is he adopted?"

(me) "Yes." (insert a few details about when we adopted and where we adopted from...)

"I've always wanted to adopt... but my husband is just not there yet." (said a bit wistfully)

I have also received several emails from women saying they would love to adopt, but their husbands didn't want to for any number of reasons. It's a common story, it seems. I have often pondered how to respond to those emails. I don't even know that I have a place to speak to that scenario, because it has not been my own story. Mark and I have always shared the desire to adopt. (Fostering came a bit later, but it fit right into our longing to meet the needs of the orphans.) I've never been in your shoes, then, if you carry that desire to adopt or foster but your husband does not share it.

It has weighed heavily on my heart, though, this whole idea. I asked God, "What is it, Lord? Why the hesitancy on the part of so many men? What can I say to these women? Am I even in a place where I can speak to this at all?" A couple of things came to mind, and I would like to share them with you:

~PRAY. This one should be obvious. God moves mightily when we pray. Ask God to expand your husband's heart for the orphans. Ask God to give you wisdom in speaking with him about it. Ask Him to put people into your husband's life who have adopted. Ask Him to bring it up in all manner of ways~ a sermon at church, a tidbit on the radio, a sign, a program on television, a song, whatever.

~Share/talk enthusiastically about it. I want to clarify this. I do not mean that you should continually come before your husband with an agenda or an appeal, as in What-can-I-say-today-that-will-make-him-change-his-mind? You will not change his mind or heart on the matter. God will. God may use you to do so, but that is God's work, and it is not for you to fret about. So stop carrying that burden already. I'm thinking more along the lines of a passion in your own heart that can become contagious. (My husband loves football, I used to detest football. Gradually, I have learned to appreciate the game and have truly become an enthusiastic football fan~ all because Mark loves it and it is something he cares about.) All that to say that in marriage, it is difficult not to begin to care about the things that have hold of the others heart. So if you have a heart for the orphans, share it. If you read a book or article about adoption that particularly grips you, share it. If you are moved to tears by an adoption story, share it. Maybe your passion will become contagious. Maybe, eventually- your husband will be the one who reads an article on adoption to you. Maybe one day you'll find that his heart has joined yours on the matter.

~Get to know someone who is or has adopted/fostered. I think this is a big one. Sometimes the whole idea of foster care or adoption just seems so big. So expensive, so complicated, so... daunting. Then you run across someone who has done it, who is doing it, and it suddenly seems less big. My encouragement is that if you know a family that has adopted or fostered, befriend them. Ask them their story. I assure you, they'll be happy to talk about it.

~Do something. Maybe your husband isn't ready to take the plunge into the world of foster care or adoption, but that doesn't negate our responsibility as believers to do something about the plight of the orphans. Maybe you can sponsor a child through Compassion. And if you do, really dive into it. Pray regularly for your sponsored child, and send letters! Do you know someone who is adopting? What can your family do to help them out financially? When we were adopting Isaias, several family members and friends helped us financially. Two friends from college who I barely even had contact with anymore had a garage sale and donated all the proceeds to us. Before they sent us the money, one of their husbands asked his work if they would match the amount they'd raised, and his company did. So we received double the money they'd earned at that garage sale! Could your family have a garage sale or set aside a certain amount of money in order to help a family that is adopting? Could you commit to pray for them? When Mark and I were married, another married couple in our church family gave us the gift of their prayers for one year. They wrote in their card to us that they would pray for us every day for the first year of our marriage. What a gift! What a gift it would be to an adoptive family you know for you to commit to pray for them like that. Could you verbally encourage an adoptive family in your church? When we shared at our church that we were adopting from Guatemala, a women at our church came up to me after the service and encouraged me with an affirmation from the Bible and a promise to pray for us. I have treasured her words to me~ many times since.

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I would love to hear your stories on this topic. Perhaps there are some of you who are or were in this place with your husbands. What has helped and what has not? How have you seen God work in your husband's heart?

{Quote}

But then it comes over me, even while I'm panicking-- that inexplicable, doesn't-make-sense-at-the-time, peace-that-passes-understanding feeling. Todd and I step up to the edge, hold hands, and jump, by offering the girls a permanent home...

Taking in two teenage girls with their background and our lack of experience could have been a disaster, but God promises to be the father to the fatherless. He has in every way coparented with us. When we've needed wisdom, he has given it, and when we've needed patience or grace, he has always supplied it in abundance.

In those early days, when we struggled with communication and with the obstacles their past put in our way, I reminded myself that it was God's desire that we be a family and he brought us together. I clung to Colossians 1:17: 'He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.'

I wish I could say that following God's will in building our family led to many sweet days, that we sat around holding hands all the time. The truth is our God cared so much about their healing that he was interested in doing whatever it took to bring their hurt spots to the surface.

And we had a front-row seat.

~ Beth Guckenberger, Reckless Faith

Fostering: A Bigger Picture

David Platt, author of this amazing book, which I blogged about here, is the pastor of a church in Alabama. I listen to his sermons online whenever I get the chance, and am always challenged and inspired by his faithful presentation of the Gospel.

In a sermon I listened to last year, I heard him tell a story that I have not forgotten (and I am so sorry, but I cannot, for the life of me, remember the name of the sermon or otherwise I'd direct you right to it, but I believe he mentioned this particular story in the book, too. And I'll keep looking for the sermon itself and update if I track it down!) I'm going to retell it, here, to the best of my memory.

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David Platt, in preparation for a sermon on orphan care, (from James 1:27) got in touch with the social services office in his area to ask about the needs in their own community for foster parents. The woman he spoke with said their need was great; it always is. There are always more children than the places available for them. Platt asked, off the cuff- exactly how many foster parents would they need to take care of every child in their community? She laughed. He asked again. She said, "All of them?" He said, "Yes. All of them." She did some quick figuring and said that in order to have places for every child in their community, they would need 150 foster parents. As he stood before his congregation the following Sunday, he challenged them to consider what that might mean for them, as a church, to step up and fill that need in their own community.

He arranged for the foster parent training to be held (at their church, I think), and guess how many families showed up for the training, willing to become foster parents?

160.

!

(Doesn't that just make you want to jump up and down at how great God is?!?!)

As these members began to serve as foster care families, Platt met again with local officials. One of the women pulled him aside and asked him what he had told these people that had made them come and do this. Platt told her that they came because the God who loves children told them to come and reflect His love to the children around them.

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I love this story so much I think I've told it to everyone I know.... twice. :) This is just amazing on so many levels.

As a foster parent, each week I get an email asking for homes for children in our own community. Just last week the email asked for care for the following children:

• Boy- 2 1/2 years old (placed in Protective Custody the previous night)
• Boy- 20 months old (needs placement for 3-6 months)
• Girl- 15 years old
• Boy- 5 1/2 years old (placement needed for 3 months or longer)

The email also requested respite care (a break for the foster parents) for a sibling group for just a few days, and care for a 12-year old girl for 20 days. The week before this there was a different list of children. The week following this there was a new list. More children- displaced, either temporarily or permanently- and in need.

I would just love it so much if the state could come to count on the CHURCH~ people who love Jesus!~ to be the ones caring for these children! Can you imagine the testimony that would be to the social workers and placement coordinators? That the foster parents who were consistently available and willing were always the Christians? That there was no shortage of help from the Christian community? That they were wonderful to work with; and the kids found love and security with these families, and sometimes-- permanent homes? There is NO WAY that would not have a HUGE impact on everyone involved.

It's why Mark and I are renewing our foster care license, why we're updating our paperwork and logging away hours of training and choosing again to open our hearts and lives to what God may have for us~ and to be a part of the larger community of social services- the social workers and the staff at our own local office- and be a blessing to them throughout the process.

I have a few more posts scheduled for this month, but we're winding down, here... and I want you to know, again- that I am praying for each one of you, by name. If you've commented, your name is written in my journal- several times... and my prayers for you follow your name. I am praying that God would move in *your* heart (yes, you!) to rise above the fears and all the what-ifs and to step out in faith and move towards fostering or adoption.

One Foster Mom's Story, Part 2

"One little guy we had came into the foster system from the hospital. This two-year-old boy had a very young mom who had made a poor choice in a boyfriend. The boyfriend physically assaulted this boy so hard that his heart stopped beating. The hospital doctors were able to bring him back to life, literally. He was the most outgoing, beautiful and sweet little boy. He loved life and was a joy to have in our home. He just needed someone to protect him from life!"

"Another little baby girl we had from the hospital had a mama who had given up other children, but for some reason or another continued to get pregnant and kept having babies. This little girl was beautiful and precious."

Yesterday you heard from my sister Stefany, and she shared some stories of their foster children- stories like the ones you see again at the top of this post- and she answered some questions about doing foster care (If you missed Part 1, please click here.) Today we're going to continue our Q & A in Part 2:

What has been the biggest surprise for you?
Definitely how few children we’ve had. Because of the great need, we thought we’d be called all the time. But we’ve noticed there are lulls. Right now it seems there’s a greater need for homes for teens. Although friends of ours that have said they are willing to take more than one child at a time are constantly called. It all depends on how many, and the age you’re willing to have in your home.


How have your children done with foster care?
So far, so good. I know it’s hard for them to say goodbye, but it’s a blessing they are kids and live life with a black and white perspective. They know that saying goodbye means saying hello to the next little one. They like the fact that they are helping others. That said, the little guy we had for the longest, they still talk about and wonder how he’s doing, wishing they could see him again. Of course, we won’t know how it really affects them until later in life when they can verbalize more of their thoughts and feelings like an adult. But for now, we really feel like it’s given them a more rich perspective on our world. They now see the needs of others more readily, they know they can serve others’ needs by merely a hug, a kind word or by playing with someone.



What would your encouragement be to someone interested in doing foster care?
How can we not? There are thousands of children just in our region alone waiting for a foster family. These are CHILDREN that need a home. If our hearts are supposed to be broken with the same things that break God’s heart; then this is definitely a way to be Christ-like and serve in our own communities!


Each one is so heartbreaking. I'm tearing up just writing this. We've cried over these kids, wept at what they've had to endure already in their short lives. We continue to be amazed at the life situations that others are struggling with. In our country. Not somewhere else, but here in our own backyards. We are grateful to God for our upbringings, and the many, many luxuries of family and friends that we've turned to for help in the midst of life's struggles and the church communities we've leaned on for support through our own challenges. How can one move through this life without others' support? We can be that support sometimes by taking in a child that needs a place to be safe, warm, loved, entertained and held. We can be God's arms like He so often is for us through others around us!

{Thank you, Stef!}

For those of you reading, if there are other questions you would like Stefany to answer, I bet I could twist her arm (or bribe her with the promise of some Starbucks coffee ;)) and she would be happy to answer! Just leave a comment!

One Foster Mom's Story, Part 1

"One little girl we cared for had been born prematurely and her mother had left her at the hospital. The mother hadn't told any family members she was pregnant. She flew out to Seattle to visit a family member, went into labor, and left a few days later. Her beautiful daughter was left alone in the hospital in the NICU with no one to visit her. We got her when she was released from the hospital. She was a precious little girl who unfortunately was born to a very young woman who wasn't ready to be a mama to her."

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"A two-year-old boy came into our care because his mom needed to leave for her night shift at work. She was trying to make money for her and her son. A friend of hers was supposed to come over to watch her son while he slept. The friend never showed up and she didn't want to lose her job, so she left her little boy sleeping alone in the apartment. He woke up, went to a neighbor, and the police intervened from there. "

Those are just two stories of many a foster mom could share with you. One reason I think it is so important for us-- as a church at large-- to get involved in foster care is this: Many of us~ in our safe, happy, suburban lives~ would never "rub shoulders" with people in these types of situations. We may hear about such a story on the news but not be personally invested in it. Yet there are so many children in our own communities who are living in this kind of reality; who are being parented by someone who has never been parented themselves, and who have little chance of growing up and avoiding the same cycle.

The state wants these children safe. Those of us who know and love Jesus have the ability to offer foster children more than just a safe, secure environment. We can offer them our love, our prayers and true, lasting security in Jesus Christ.

I'm so excited to get to introduce you today to someone who is welcoming foster children into her home (and the one who shared those two stories at the beginning of this post.) So without further ado, allow me to introduce you to...

...my sister! I am so proud of her and the ministry their family has in caring for foster children, and am so thankful she agreed to answer some questions regarding her experiences. I'll let her introduce herself, and then we'll get on with the Q & A.

My name is Stefany. I’m married to my best friend, Dan and together we have three amazing children: Megan (10), Madison (9) and Cole (6) and a cat named Starbucks! We’ve been foster parents for over 2 years and plan to renew our foster care license next summer for another 3 years!


Welcome to the blog, Stef. :) Thank you for being willing to do this! Let's get started with some questions...

What made you decide to do foster care?

Well, I had always wanted to adopt, but after having 3 kids of our own, my husband and I decided foster care fit our family better. We wanted to still be able to focus on our own kids but also care for those in our state that needed some temporary help. Also, as Christians, we’ve both been drawn to God’s commands to take care of the needy; children seem to be where God has called us to at this point in our lives.



Can you give us the stats about the children you've had in your care? (How many kids have you fostered, length of care, their ages and situations?)

We got our foster care license in July 2008. We have had 8 kids since that time.

• K & I, a sibling set, girl(3) and boy(2). They had been physically abused, and spent 4 nights with us.
• C, a 3-year-old girl whose mom went to jail. She was with us for 2 nights.
• T, an 11-month-old boy whose mom went to jail. He was with us for 1 ½ years.
• M, a preemie girl we got straight from hospital, where her mom had left her. She was with us for 2 months.
• A, a 2-year-old boy who had been physically abused. He spent 3 months with us.
• A, a 2-day-old girl. Her mom couldn’t take care of her. She was with us for 1 ½ weeks.
• E, a 2-year-old boy who was left alone at home. He spent 4 nights with us.
• A, 1-year-old girl who was taken due to neglect. She is currently still with us
.

What were your fears (if any) going into it?
I didn't have any fears. The state is so helpful in letting foster parents choose an age range, and what level of medical care you want to provide. 



What has been the hardest part?
The hardest part has definitely been saying goodbye. I usually just let myself enjoy the time with each child and live in denial until the day they leave. Then I usually bawl my eyes out, take a deep breath and wait for the phone to ring again! Our hardest one obviously was the child that stayed with us for over a year. He felt like one of our own by the time he left. Most of the time, we’ve known where each child is ending up and each has been put into a great situation, either with a parent or relative or adopted!



Join us for more questions and stories in Part 2, coming up tomorrow!