A few things...

I'm feeling quite a bit more like myself this afternoon. Not so sobby. [She says, embarrassed.]

Thank you, each one of you, for your kind words of encouragement this past week, and for your prayers. I appreciate you all so much. Mark, too. He was reading through my comments with me on the couch last night, and said, "They're all so nice."

You are all awfully nice. Thank you for your friendship. (And for putting up with my raw, emotional self over the past few days.) I'm hoping that much of that is due to sleep deprivation and is not the new me. ~smile~

I'm sure you're all wanting to know more news about the little girl we get to adopt.

So do we!!!

But we've heard nothing. I've tried not to be pestery with our agency but at about 4:00 this afternoon I finally called, and was told, for the second day in a row, that the baby's caseworker is still out sick, so... "when she gets back into the office..." Yeah, yeah. So we wait. (You'd think we'd be good at this by now, wouldn't you?)

I don't like it one bit that this precious little girl of ours now has a mommy and a daddy but hasn't been able to hear our voices or be held by us. But we'll have plenty of time for that in the future. At least we don't have to meet her and then turn around and leave her for six months like we had to with Isaias.

A few things have come up in emails or comments that I'd like to clarify:

1) We have only one foster child in our care right now. For one [loooong] day we had both the 6 week old and her 13 month old sister in our care, but I was in way over my head with those two, in addition to my three. The 13 month old was a very YOUNG 13 months, and spent much of that day whining and fussing and needing to be in my arms.

But you see, that's where the baby spends much of her time, so then, that wasn't working so well. It was very apparent that this older girl needed a foster home where she could be getting more attention. Maybe one with less than four children. Our house was so chaotic that day I cannot even aptly describe it to you. My mom was here with us- she stopped in to see how things were going and she immediately saw the wisdom in staying for a good part of the afternoon. And we were *both* overwhelmed. And I would say we are both of the competent-mother variety. (She, especially.)

2) Homeschooling. A couple of you have mentioned that you don't know how I'm doing it; what with the foster care and the regular care of our kids and the house and meals and the homeschooling.

We haven't cracked open a "school book" for weeks. What we're doing for school right now is this: Learning How to Care For a Baby and Learning How to Love and Care For One Another When There's a Baby in the House. And we do actually consider that school around here. Throw in a bunch of stories on the couch and some outside play and chores? A wonderful day of school.

The kids have been absolute gems. (Er, aside from the recent bead incident and a few normal hiccups that come with having a new person in the house.) Our Ella? I could write fifteen posts on that girl. She is *great* with the baby. She chooses the baby's clothes every day, helps with EVERYTHING, including diaper changes, bottle feedings, burping, holding, and distracting the baby until I can get that bottle ready. Here's a common sight around our home lately:


(When I told her the other day I was so enjoying watching her be a little "mama" to the baby, she shrugged and said, "I'm just practicin'!")

And when she's not doing that, she's doing this:

February adoption update

from Psalm 68:
A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
is God in his holy dwelling.
God sets the lonely in families.


I barely even know how to begin such a post.

So I'll just jump right in.

We received a call yesterday letting us know that there is a baby girl that is ours if we'll take her.

We'll take her.

The details we have at this point are sparse:

*She is one week old.
*She is African-American.
*Her birthmom used cocaine during the pregnancy.
*She is currently in a facility that specializes in drug-affected babies, and she will remain there until they release her to us. (We've been told it might be two weeks but we know it's usually longer than this, so we're not sure.)
*This is a fast-track adoption. The birthmom has had two children already taken from her and there are no relatives that will pop in to claim her. This is good for us in that the state will move to give this baby a permanent home with us. So our foster-to-adopt journey will almost positively end in *adoption*. (As opposed to many working-with-the-state adoptions where the birthmom will agree to rehab, get the baby back, start using again, get the baby taken away, agree to rehab, get the baby back, start using again,...You get the picture.) Not so, here.

And that is all we know.

We are trying to work out the details with the baby's caseworker and the facility she is in so that we can go and see her, as well as learn how to care for her these first few months of her life.

What we have learned in our very minimal training is that cocaine-exposed infants are very sleepy and are difficult to wake to feed. They do not have "sucking power" and may fight the bottle. They generally cannot eat more than one ounce at a time. The two main concerns for these babies are failure to thrive and dehydration.

The average time it takes for a baby to withdraw from drugs in their system is 30 to 60 days. The long-term studies done on such babies is positive.

My heart is aching for our sweet little baby right now. Her tiny body is ridding itself of this drug, and we are praying that she is a little fighter. I want so much to see her and to hold her and to get her home to us.

In the meantime, we continue to care for our foster baby, and I continue to wrestle with how this will be for us to have to let her go.

As I stood at the kitchen sink this morning, full of the news of this new baby and pondering our foster baby, I tearfully whispered to God, "Do You really think I can handle all of this at once?" Apparently He does. But my emotions are so all over the map these days I am doubtful.

I weep even now to think of saying goodbye to this precious girl who is sleeping down the hall from me. Oh, how I love her.

But she is not mine.

And then, today, God reveals a little girl who is to be mine. Ours. A baby I know so little of, a baby I have not seen; not even a picture.

Honestly, I'm struggling beneath all of these emotions. There is heartache. There is gratitude. I am so thankful to Him for answering our prayers, for bringing us to this stage of the journey. And. A baby. (We were licensed for ages 0-3 but I so wanted (and prayed for) a baby. I love babies. I am so thankful she's so young.) That is all mixed in with my wonderment at God's timing (Right *now*? Really? Are You sure?). And then there are my fears of attachment and bonding issues (which is always my greatest fear in terms of adoption). Toss in my feelings of inadequacy (Can I do this? What are we in for with her exposure to cocaine? And-- will I even be able to do her hair?)

Is it awful to admit that joy has only crept in a few times today? I think there's a part of me that needs to see her, and then I may need to get past the goodbye that will need to be said, in a couple of weeks, to our foster baby. (~sob~. And truly, I am literally sitting here sobbing at the moment.)

I trust God. I may not "get" His timing, but I do know it is right and good. I know He will equip us for what lies ahead. I know He will be there, guiding us, through every step of this journey. I know He will be my Comforter, my Helper, and my Strength.

Aside from all of that, I also happen to know what we're naming this baby girl of ours. But I'm not telling you that yet. (Well, except you, Amy. And Micah. And mom and Stef. And Michelle.) Actually, we only have her first name chosen. Chosen in one day, thankyouverymuch. We're still working on her middle name.

So there you have it.

God is placing another orphan in our home.

He's in the business of doing that, you know. Watch out.

Day by numbers

One exhausted mama. (Just over three hours of sleep last night.)
+
One little boy who peed all over our living room rug.
+
Two needy foster babies (Baby's older sister (13 months) joined us today).
+
Two boys, found downstairs amidst a mess of little beads.
+
Two beads, stuffed up the nose of my 2-year old. (Way, way, up the nose.)
+
Two times mama was found in a pile of tears on the couch.
+
Three social workers, at my door and in my home today.
+
Three meals made and served.
+
Four loads of laundry.
+
Seventy-five phone calls. (Okay, maybe not that many, but after about twelve calls by 11:00 this morning I lost count.)

=
One even more exhausted mama who plans to go to bed in about ten minutes.
It's 7:45.


**Updated to add**
This post sounds awfully grumbly, doesn't it? Sorry. I also have...
one AMAZING husband who is home with me now,
three BEAUTIFUL children God has given to me, and
one FAITHFUL, wonderful God who gave me strength throughout this day.
(Not to mention several GREAT bloggy friends who I know are praying for me. Thank you.)

My heart

Bear with me as I continue to share about being a foster mom.

I was an emotional wreck last night.

Our small group was here, meeting in our home. They are an amazing group of people. They wanted to know all about Baby and her situation, and then when we prayed together at the end they prayed over her life and the lives of her siblings (she has three sisters, ages 3, 2, and 1. Yes. Four girls. That young. Her sisters are in another foster home (one that didn't want a baby in addition to the three.))

Anyway... our small group. Here. Praying. And while they prayed the tears streamed down my face. I was so incredibly blessed that these godly men and women were fervently praying for this little girl I've grown to love so much over the past three days. (Has it only been three days?) And I wondered: before Baby came into our home, just who was interceding for her and her family? Now there are so many. I am so thankful. God answers prayer. That is no small thing, and I do not take it lightly.

Then later on, as I rocked Baby before lying her down, I cupped her tiny head in my hand, held her close to me, and sang a blessing over her.

And I wept.

I climbed into the tub after that and cried there, too. And when I came into our bedroom, I wailed, "Honey, I didn't even like the name '------' three days ago and now I truly love her." And I do.

Amy asked me the first day if I felt like I was babysitting, and I said yes.

Boy, has that changed.

I have grown to love this baby girl like she is my own. I feel like she has become a part of us. Sad does not even begin to convey how I will feel upon her leaving.

Thirty days. That's what I was told today. I'm not sure if that's thirty days from yesterday, when the judge decided that, or from when she came. Either way, it will go by fast.

The most difficult part is that I don't know what will happen to this precious girl when she leaves here. Will she be safe? Will she be loved? Cared for? When she cries that dear little cry of hers will someone go to her? When she's hungry, will she be fed? Will she be held and rocked, sang to and snuggled?

I don't know.

In my journal today I wrote:

You know, oh, Lord, how much I love little '------'.
And I know, oh Lord, how much You love her.

And that is where my heart can find peace in all of this. Her Father in heaven *loves* her so much. When this precious girl leaves our home she may be out of my sight and out of my care, but she will never be out of His.

Never.

And that brings me great comfort.

Thoughts on Day 1

* God's timing is so perfect. Our first full day with baby was also Mark's day off, so I had his help all day long!

* I'm not allowed to post pictures of baby *or* give you her name. That's hard for me to do. Especially the name part. It seems so generic to call her simply "baby". She is adorable. Really, so very sweet and a very good baby.

* Last night we discovered that she's a great sleeper, too! [...er, in my arms or right beside me, that is.] That made for quite the sleepless night for me, but she slept like a champ. [Another reason it was great to have Mark home today... I got a NAP this afternoon!]

* It's been hard for us to figure out what she needs, primarily when it comes to sleep (and how to get her to sleep!) Mark and I would normally let our babies cry it out a bit, but throw the word "neglect" at me and then I'm unsure if that's best. This morning I prayed, along with strength and energy for the day ahead, that God would give us real wisdom and discernment as to what she needs from us. On one hand I think that if she's going to go back to her birthmom it would behoove us to "train" her to be a good sleeper... then birthmom could lie her down and get a good night's sleep and be refreshed for the following day with her. But then I worry that if she was neglected, she may have spent time screaming with no one to comfort her, and maybe what she needs is love and attention. Anyway, we're figuring it out. God is faithful to lead us.

* Last night as I held her I just marveled at her little self. (Babies. One of the very *best* of God's creation, aren't they?)
Such tiny fingers!
Such a small head to cup and gather in close to my chest.
Hiccups!
Those light, contented sighs only a baby can give.
The little sucking they continue to do as they sleep!
Oh, so precious. We're all just loving it. I am so full of joy that we get to be her keeper for this season. Thankful to God that He would use us in this way in her little life.

* I absolutely feel like one of the reasons this little baby is with us is so that we can pray over her life. And we're doing it. Every time she's in my arms I'm whispering prayers over her. One time in particular, this morning, as I was holding her, my eyes welled up with tears and I got all choked up as I told her how very *much* Jesus loved her. And then I prayed for her; for her protection in the days and months and years to come, and that she would grow to know and love Jesus. And her whole family, too.

* When the social worker dropped her off last night, she came with two big bags full of stuff: diapers, bottles, formula, clothes. We (Ella and I) peeked at all the clothes but were a bit disappointed: so many of them were clearly generic (blue, green, yellow... some not even the right size.) Obviously it was stuff that they had at the office and just gathered it together to send her with something. She had nothing that was *hers*. Kind of sad, don't you think? Even the blankets were worn and dirty.

* I'd saved a small bin of clothes from when Ella was a baby, so we went through those things last night and added some pink and purple to her wardrobe! I also had a little bin of baby socks, hats, tights, onesies, so Ella spent about 30 minutes last night selecting pretty socks ["Oh! Mommy! I *love* this one! See the cute little flowers on these socks?"]

* Ella is practically walking on air. She is enthused about EVERY part of this. She's also a great helper in holding the baby and feeding the baby and getting stuff for me when I'm tied up with the baby. Isaac is disinterested for the most part, but sweet with her when he does tune in. He's been the most needy of me. He's my little snuggler so has said a few times today: "Mommy, I want to sit on your lap without her there." So I'm working at giving him a little extra love and attention, while at the same time teaching him that his needs can also be laid aside for others. Isaias has been sweet and gentle and very attentive. It's been very sweet to watch him with baby. He's always stopping in to rub her head and is very concerned when she cries.

* Baby had her first visit with birthmom today, too. Two or three times a week she'll have visitation. Two hours each time, supervised visits. Because Mark had the day off I offered to take the baby and pick her up after the two hours were up. I saw her birthmom and was briefly introduced: "This is the foster mom." First time I've been called that.

Birthmom is young, and looked tired and run down. She didn't make eye contact with me. I suppose I'm the enemy. I felt such compassion for her. I wanted to reach out and hug her, but of course I didn't. I prayed hard on the drive there and back, for the birthmom especially.

* We got another call today from the state (not our local office; but another city)... saying they had two little boys who needed a home. Another "emergency". Could we take them? Oh, there is such a need. I wish we had a bigger house, more rooms.

* One thing I know: God loves these babies, these broken, splintered families. We have prayed that He would give us His heart; that we would be captured by the things that capture His heart, and I truly believe He has answered that prayer. I am so thankful.

* I remember after we adopted Isaias so many people would say things like, "It's so wonderful that you're doing this." I was never quite sure how to respond to that. Because the only reason we're doing it is because of God- because of His work in and through us. At the time I marked this verse in my Bible, and I think it sums it up:

Not to us, O Lord, not to us
but to your name be the glory,
because of your love and faithfulness. (Psalm 115:1)

Beginning

A sweet baby girl (5 weeks) was placed with us today.

She was removed from her home due to neglect.

This placement was via the state, so it is a temporary, emergency placement. This little one isn't on the foster-to-adopt track. She'll be here with us for... we're not sure how long... 45 days was mentioned, 90 days was also mentioned... but then we know that could change at any moment. It could be 3 days.

And now I'm off to check on Mark, who is rocking her to sleep.

I hope you all had a wonderful day!

Movies

This post got me to thinking...

What are some of the best movies you've watched together as a family?

It'd be great to compile a list of decent movies and since many of you have been in the season of family-movie-watching longer than we have, I figure you'll be a great resource.

Leave a comment and tell me your favorites!