Grateful

Just thinking of you tonight... and wanted to tell you that I am so blessed by those of you who read here.  Truly.  So thankful.

Thank you for tuning in and sticking with me when there's a dry season here on the blog. 
Thank you for commenting-- your comments are an encouragement to me and I am so grateful.  Thank you for sharing a bit of yourself in the comments.  (That's often my favorite part!)

Thank you for listening to my heart all spilled out here so many times, and for praying for me and my little family.

getting our Christmas tree last month.

I appreciate you.

May you be blessed.
((big hugs))

And Happy New Year!

~Stacy

Stories

My Audra (6), will often ask: "Mommy, will you tell me the story of the girl and the boy who prayed and prayed and prayed for a baby and then God gave them one?  And then God gave them more babies?  Can you tell that story, mommy?"

It's her favorite story.

A few mornings ago, she tucked herself into bed with me to snuggle and chat.  Her head was nestled on my shoulder and we'd been talking for awhile when she asked for the story.  I was reluctant at first, wanting instead to get into the shower, but I agreed.  And I began as one should always begin stories, with once upon a time....

Once upon a time, there was a girl and a boy who loved each other so much that they got married.  After they'd been married awhile, they wished for a baby, but no baby came.  Many months and even years passed, and still there was no baby.  So they prayed and prayed and prayed and waited and waited and waited and they kept praying and they kept waiting, and then finally, one beautiful day, God answered.  And when the girl discovered she was pregnant, she immediately ran out to her car to go find her husband at work.  (She didn't even grab her coat, though it was a very rainy day.)  She saw the boy she loved and she ran up to him, and with the rain pouring down on both of them, she told him he was going to be a daddy.... 

And so the story goes, from my first pregnancy, to the next, to our first adoption, to the next adoption, all the way to six years ago when God gave us the gift of her, my dear Audra.  As we get closer and closer to her little self entering the story, her eyes are eager with anticipation and her smile gets wider.  Sometimes I add in more details, sometimes more description, but the outline of the story remains the same.  The older kids love this story, too, and they will often tag on details they know and each of them love it when it's their time to enter the story.

As I'd been talking, all cozy under the covers with my Audra, Ella had joined us, and there I was, sandwiched in between my oldest and my youngest.  The girls giggled when I first slipped and said "daddy" (as I always do) and then we came to Audra's entrance into the world, and I talked a little about her birth and our delight and then said, "And that's the end of the story."

Immediately I realized that it wasn't, actually, the end of the story, and so, haltingly, and through tears, I went on.  "Actually, that's not the end of the story, is it?  After we had Audra, we continued to pray and long for another baby, and-- years later-- we found out that God had made another little baby, growing inside of me. And then our baby died.  And six months later, He again began to grow a baby within me, and that baby died, too. 

...That's kind of a sad ending to the story, isn't it?"  Ella squeezed me and agreed it was.  And Audra said something about being sad that the babies died.  And in an effort to give the girls a happy ending, I said I was so thankful for them, and that I loved being their mommy and that I am so richly blessed that God has given them to me.  When they had started chatting about other things,  I slipped away to the shower, and there I wept.

* * *

My heart is hurting.  Around me everywhere is the hustle and bustle of this holiday season, celebrations, parties and smiles; songs and lights and the joy and the anticipation.  

And I'm a pretty good pretender.  I am smiling, I am showing up for the celebrations, but right beneath the surface is the grief; the lump at the back of my throat and the sorrow that sits in such sharp contrast to the joy of this season.  

Yesterday I spoke with a dear friend on the phone, and when she asked me how she could pray for me, I thought of the two choices before me: I could give her a "surface request", and tell her to pray for our health and rest in the midst of what will be a very busy week, or I could go deeper, and tell the truth.  So I went there, and with my telling came my tears, and I sat on the edge of my bed, cradling the phone and weeping for the second day in a row.  

It was two years ago, in early December, when Mark and I told our kids that a new baby brother or sister was growing in mommy's tummy.  We were near-to-bursting with the news we had kept to ourselves for several weeks, treasuring it and speaking of it in hushed tones when it was just the two of us, marveling at this answer to prayer.  There aren't words to describe how happy our kids were.  We talked and planned and dreamed and celebrated together for a few precious weeks. 

Then on Christmas Day, 2013, I was so sick I could barely sit up.  We were at my mom's house-- there for our traditional Christmas breakfast which would be followed by the Christmas story, then songs, prayer, stockings and gifts.  I tried to sit at the table to eat, but excused myself to the guest room to lie down.  I had a high fever and chills all day.  All I could do was sleep.  I was so sick I didn't even care that I was missing out on all the fun.  When my fever broke, and I was more coherent, I began fearing for the life of my baby; I worried about what this fever may have done.  In early January we went for our ultrasound and there was no heartbeat.  I don't know if it actually was the fever that instigated my miscarriage, but that is the day marked in my mind and heart as the beginning of the end of our baby's tiny life.  Had our baby lived, we would be celebrating this Christmas with a little one, toddling around all the wrapping and presents, touching the ornaments and lights on the tree, pointing and jabbering and delighting us all.

However, that is not our story.  

Before I hung up the phone yesterday, my friend encouraged me to journal and process this grief, and  yes, even this year, two years later-- and not push it down and pretend it away.  Good counsel, that.  

Yet when I sat later with my journal open and pen in hand, I didn't even know what to pray, what to ask.  So I prayed simply this: that He would sit with me in my sadness.  And He does.  And I am reminded of this truth: He is Immanuel, God with us. And therein is the happy ending to all sad stories. 

There is a greater story.  A story with angels and dreams and danger, twists and turns and surprises (a stable?  Really?)  A story that the prophets foretold, a story that opened here on earth with words, not on a page from a book like the stories we read- but from the mouth of an angel speaking to the young girl Mary.  Then we turn the page in the story and find Joseph being visited by an angel in a dream.  And we read of the instruction to name this baby Jesus.  The story shifts and there is peril- the evil King Herod who wants the baby Jesus dead.  Then the wise men who followed a star (a star!) to find the child Jesus and worshiped him, then were warned in a dream not to return to evil King Herod.  The shepherds, listening to the settling down, nighttime noises of their flock of sheep, and peering up into a dark sky only to suddenly see that same sky alight with an angel-  an angel! Can you imagine?- and one who was talking to them.  How stunned they must have been.  And then not just one angel but more of them?  This is THE story.  May we all be filled with the wonder of this story; of Light come into darkness, of Immanuel, God with us. 

Pork, two ways, in the crock-pot

When it comes to meat, I know what I like.  I like moist meat.  The kind that breaks open easily with a fork.  Full of flavor.  With sauce or drippings.  Yes. YUM. 

I've established two go-to recipes for pork that we love.  I can't imagine you won't love them, too:

First and favorite way:
Take a thawed pork shoulder (or any other big hunk of pork) and sear it in butter or olive oil in a cast-iron pan (or other frying pan).  Brown it on as many sides as you can get to by flopping it around in the pan, on medium heat.

Drop it into the crock-pot.  

Then, in a bowl, mix together with a fork:

1/2 cup brown sugar

2 T chili powder
2 T smoked paprika
4 cloves of garlic, crushed
4 tsp salt
2 tsp freshly ground black pepper
1-2 shakes of cayenne pepper

Pour about half of that seasoning mix on top of the roast and rub it in.  Then flip the roast and season the other side with the rest of the mix.  Rub in all over the roast, (top, bottom and sides), stick the lid on your crock-pot, set to low and leave it until dinner.  (Cook for at least 5 hours on low.)  

I usually peek at it about half-hour before dinner and roughly shred the meat with two forks and stir it a bit. You can eat it as is or take the juices from the bottom and make yourself a gravy with them.  (1-2 T of butter, add 1-2 T flour, add juices into a saucepan until it thickens, voila!)  DELISH.  Serve with mashed potatoes or rice.  Mmmm!

 * * *

Second and also scrumptious way:

(But made less often because I have to pre-plan and have these ingredients on hand)

Take a thawed pork shoulder and sear it as described above, put it into the crock-pot and pour these (mixed) ingredients over top of it: 

3/4 cup of beer  (I don't know beer. At ALL. I generally buy a bottle of some sort of ale.  I'm sure anything would work).

1/2 cup dijon mustard

6 T honey

1/4 cup olive oil (less)

1 T dried rosemary

3-4 cloves garlic, crushed 

Set crock-pot to low and leave it until dinner.  (At least 5 hours.)  Check and shred meat about half-hour before you want to eat, and then add 1/2 cup cream.  

This sauce is amazing.  Truly.  It's so good you'll want to drink it.  I always serve this with mashed potatoes so we can just pour this sauce on over the potatoes for gravy. Or with some bread so we can lap up the sauce on our plates with the bread.  Yum.  

Enjoy!  

Podcast recommendation: Sally & Kristen

Oh, dear friends and fellow mothers~

I have been so encouraged and refreshed by a podcast recently.  I just have to share it with you so that you, too, will be inspired and heartened in the everyday at home-ness with your kids, and also in casting a longer-term vision for the relationships with your children.

Sally Clarkson (ever one of my favorite mentors-from-a-distance) and Kristen Kill sit down and have rich conversations around the main topic of discipling your children.  They share stories and practical examples, and they both have such hearts FOR their kids, and a sweet vision for how to disciple well-- in love and grace and relationship.  I have loved every episode.  Seriously, these are my kindred spirits from afar.  (I secretly feel like I'm eavesdropping from a nearby table as they sit down to chat, and it has truly been such a treat.)  So much of what they share in these podcasts is familiar to the way that we do things in our home (or aspire to do things) and these sweet conversations have been such an encouragement to me over the past few weeks.

I know Sally has the podcasts on her blog, too, but I was able to locate them easier from Kristen's blog, so these links will take you to her blog.  Here's the list, and a link to each episode if you click on the episode title:

#1: A New Mom Heart Podcast (Sept 16)
#2: Foundations for Flourishing in the Everyday (Sept 22)
#3: Keeping Your Soul Alive So You Can Thrive (Sept 28)
#4: Homeschooling With Life, Grace and Excellence (Oct 20)
#5: Discipleship is Heart Work (Oct 26)
#6: Discipleship With Grace (Nov 2)
#7: Inspiration and Heroes (Nov 9)

You can also subscribe via iTunes here.

I hope you are able to listen in and that you find encouragement, too.

Blessings to you,
~Stacy

Opportunity

I wrote this post in early spring (as evidenced by the photo-- we had just rototilled our garden).  It has sat in my drafts folder for these many months, unedited.  But it has come to mind often, and has turned up in conversations (with Mark, mostly) so often that I pulled it up today and edited it for posting.

 ~

He sits on the edge of my bed, this brown-haired, brown-eyed boy of mine.  His cowlick familiarly springs up at his hairline.  I used to call him my sweetest budders.  He was this chubby-cheeked little affectionate, smiling, thoughtful boy.  Now he's this lean young man, with a smattering of pimples on each side of his mouth and on his forehead.  He is soft-spoken, thoughtful and sensitive.  His eyes are alight, he's holding a stack of LEGO magazines, and he wants to show me some things. 

~

At the beginning of last week I read through Philippians 2 and prayed through this verse in particular:

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.  Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. (v 3-4)

I prayed that God would help me to delight in my kids, to choose them over myself, to stop and tune IN; to listen; to engage.

I am finding these years with older kids somewhat challenging.  They no longer need me to kneel down and tie their shoes, to choose their clothes for the day, or to hold them when they're sad.

Those littler years were easier for me in the sense that their needs were obvious.  [I actually feel quite qualified to tie shoes and choose clothes.  ;)]  And the way God created me is that I thrive on seeing a tangible need and moving to meet it. 

As they've grown, I am discovering that their needs aren't always so obvious (nor tangible), and I have to pay attention.  One of the things they really crave is my time and my attention.  And it is much more of an emotional investment than it ever used to be.  Each of my children- and particularly the older three- want my presence.  They want to talk.  They want time; uninterrupted time with just me or with just their daddy.  My boy wants to burst in during my quiet time and show me some LEGO magazines. 

I'm not yet in the habit of doing that.  Can I be perfectly honest?  I don't want to give up my carved-out-for-me-quiet-time-in-the-afternoons for a child who wants to sit and talk.  I know.  Selfish.  Of course I love them and if I take the long view, of course I want that type of relationship with them.  But my flesh wants a break.  I am tired.  I often feel depleted with all the demands on my time and attention. So I tuck myself away in my room every afternoon to have quiet.  To spend time journaling, praying and reflecting.  I am resistant to give up "my time" to meet their relational needs.  And yet I sense a gentle nudging of God, asking me about giving up some of that time for them.

I also suspect that this means that I need to take the opportunities as He brings them, regardless of what I'm doing.

I don't know what form this will take or if this will be a consistent, regular time. And so I pray for a heart to serve them, to put them above my own self.  I pray that God would give me opportunities to serve and bless them; to be willing to die to myself and my own ambitions and interests and gladly make time and space for them.  I pray for humility, and that He would help me look to their interests; look to the things they are interested in.

I made a list in my journal of all the things my kids are currently* interested in (*these things change, you know. ;)).  I made a list for Mark, too.  I think God has used those lists really practically in the past week.  I can think of several examples where something off the list has come up and I've been challenged to respond.  One of the kids wanted to play catch in the front yard, but couldn't find a sibling to play with them.  I didn't particularly want to play catch, (there was dinner to make; dishes to do, etc) but recognized that God was giving me an opportunity to engage in this child's interest.  So we played catch for probably a good hour.  And we had a whole lot of fun.  :)

Weekly Meal Plan and Traditions

It's a beautiful fall day--- blue skies but brisk.  I've been wearing slippers around the house every day.  I can hear the heat kick on occasionally.  I had a conversation with some friends recently about heat-- and one of them said that she (and her now-grown children) try to see how long they can go into the fall without turning on the heat.  It's like a contest for them.  Not so, here.  I like a warm, cozy house and so our heat sits somewhere between 68-70.

Mark got paid yesterday-- hooray and thank you, God!-- so I did some meal planning and grocery shopping last night, and this is what we're eating this week:

Monday | Chicken in a Creamy Parmesan and Sundried Tomato Sauce (or, as the sheet on my fridge says: "Chicken & Yummy Sauce".  Because just click over to that picture and tell me if you can resist adding that to your meal plan sometime in the near future.  YUM.  I've actually never made it before but I'm thinking one cannot go wrong with those ingredients.  I think we'll do spaghetti squash with it, because I have one and need to use it.  Oh, and maybe some crusty bread so that we can sop up all that yummy sauce with it.  Mmm.

Tuesday | Slow Cooker Mongolian Beef (Pioneer Woman) because, slow cooker.  My favorite.  Because it's just there, cooking our food all day and smelling up the house so wonderfully.  With basmati rice.  Maybe salad if I have some greens handy.

Wednesday | Macaroni and Cheese* I use Heather's recipe (thank you, Heather!) because it's so forgiving-- whatever cheese and sour cream/cream cheese mixture we have on hand, toss it in and it always tastes great.  I have no idea what we'll have for sides.  I rarely think of sides (unless it's rice or potatoes) until the day of.  Something green.  Salad, asparagus.
*I just realized that I should note, here, that I triple the sauce from the recipe listed, and boil 7 cups of macaroni noodles for our family.  It makes a big dish.  ;)

This photo has nothing to do with this post, but seemed fitting for the season.  (These apple pies were actually Isaac's  birthday dessert request at the end of October).

 
Thursday | Thanksgiving!  (Hooray!)  For our big Thanksgiving meal hosted by my parents, I am bringing a green salad and making scrumptious sweet potatoes (which I don't personally love) but are oft-requested and generally well-loved by everyone in sight.  ;)  Mark and Ella, especially, oh! -- and my mom- DREAM of these sweet potatoes.  It's just a bunch of sliced sweet potatoes (from the produce department, the white ones) baked in a brown sugar/butter mixture and topped with marshmallows a few minutes before the timer goes off.  Mom will do the turkey, potatoes, gravy and stuffing and many desserts (bless her) and my siblings are bringing other sides.  I'm just now remembering that I may have volunteered to make some sort of apple dessert, too, so I'll have to double-check on that.

We'll have the big meal Thursday afternoon and then Thursday evening we just eat leftovers: turkey sandwiches, usually, on white dinner rolls, and chex mix and desserts.  My sister and her family will be here through the weekend, so the kids are thrilled to see their cousins that they rarely get to see.  My brother, his wife and their two kids will be there, too, and my other brother, and all of us packed into my parents' house.  We play games, sit around and talk and laugh and eat and generally have a wonderful time. I love it and so look forward to it.

Friday | White Chicken Chili and cornbread.  Quick and easy.  I have pre-cooked chicken and chicken broth in the freezer and I'll use cans of white beans instead of cooking up dry beans.  We'll (Mark included!  He has the whole weekend off this year!) all likely be at my moms most of the day but try to exit before dinner so that she doesn't have to feed us all... again.  

Saturday |  THIS IS THE DAY WE GO GET OUR CHRISTMAS TREE AND DECORATE OUR HOME FOR CHRISTMAS and I love everything about this day.  A couple of years ago we started a new tradition with my brother and his family (who live nearby) and my parents (who also live nearby).... we all go out and get our tree together (that's not new, we've been doing that for years, stopping to get peppermint mochas or eggnog lattes on the way out) and then we all go home to decorate our individual houses.  Then later that night, when all is decorated and alight, we do a neighborhood walk and tour everyone's decorated homes, then end up back here at our house for pigs-in-a-blankets, spinach and artichoke dip and bread, cider and eggnog and desserts.  Love it.

Sunday | Nachos. Another super easy recipe.  On purpose.  I think we'll all be exhausted.  Hopefully this will be a restful day after all the hubbub of the weekend.  I envision lots of lovely, cozy nights in front of our cheerily lit tree and a crackling fire. 

Happy Thanksgiving to you all! 

Snippets from an Ordinary Day

It was Monday. The kids had already gotten dressed and had done their morning chores-- not without some reminders from me for the little girls.  I had been up earlier and had exercised and showered.  We began our morning together at the table for breakfast.  I made Yogurt Biscuits (upon which the kids spread pumpkin butter from Trader Joes) and smoothies for the kids, eggs and bacon for myself.

We started in-- I forget what time it was.  I think we had some sleepyheads so we started late-- with Bible time.  We read about Saul, and Samuel.  For narrations I wrote names on the board and asked the kids to tell me something we learned about each person/person's character.  They love this.  I stood at the board and transcribed what they said:

Then I passed out copies of our November poems.  [I keep six copies in my Morning Time binder and pass them out each morning.  (This is so much easier for me than having each child have their OWN memory work binder, which is what I tried last year.  We just don't have that kind of room at the table!]  Ella recited one poem; If, which they began learning last month, Adelia recited Who Has Seen the Wind?, and Audra recited The Mist and All.  I can't say any of them from memory yet.  All of the  kids amaze me with their memory skills! 

On the opposite side of the poem sheet, encased in a clear sheet protector, is the hymn we're currently learning: Great is Thy Faithfulness.  We sang the first verse and the chorus, then I shared the story about why that song was meaningful to me; that years ago I was fearful and struggling with whether or not we should move forward with our adoption of Adelia, and how God gave me that song as a confirmation to me.  I can't sing it without tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat for how significant it is to me.  When we were done singing they passed them back to me to file in the binder.

After that I asked the kids for prayer requests-- and as they say them, I write them down on my Morning Time sheet, then when they've each shared one or two things, I read off the list and then we go around the table and pray.  We prayed for my grandma who just had surgery to remove cancer and who doesn't know Jesus, we prayed for a man at our church who has cancer, we prayed for our Compassion kids, we prayed for a friend of ours who is in the process of adopting, we prayed for another friend whose baby is in the hospital fighting for his little life.

Then we moved on to memory work.  Normally we'd work on our new memory verses first but that day I began with a review of old memory work: the books of the Bible (Old Testament).  We went around the table and tried to remember them all in order, taking one at a time.  And then we said them all together at the same time.

Then we cleared the table and headed into the living room for our new memory work.  We're learning Luke 2:1-20, just a verse or two at a time, but this week we're covering verses 1-7.  So instead of just reciting at the table as usual, I thought we'd do drawn narrations with it and so I formatted our memory work sheet like this:

leaving room for drawings. The one above is Isaac's (12).  The one below is mine.

While we were all drawing, we listened to music from our current composer, Sergei Rachmaninoff.  And normally at that time we would read something for Science (right now: Pagoo), and then read from our current read-aloud, but we were running later than usual, so I skipped those for the morning. (It's okay-- last week I'd read extra Pagoo because the kids were having so much fun drawing while I read, and our read-aloud was actually due back at the library before we'd finished it, so we're waiting for another copy to come in.)

When we wrap up morning time each day, the kids all head outside for 20 minutes.  During this time I usually make myself a latte, load the dishwasher and do a bit of meal prep or ready the next thing on the schedule.

When the kids came indoors-- it was a cold and blustery day that morning!-- I lit a fire for warmth and cozyness.  The older kids then disperse to check things off their individual lists (printed weekly, on their clipboard), one of them starts practicing piano, and I organize the little girls at the table with their lists and books.  They work on math and copywork (this is what they're both doing; upper and lower case letters, one per day, focusing on writing three perfect letters) and some Explode the Code.  I keep doing meal prep/kitchen clean up and sit with them and help them or instruct them as needed.  They are very easily distracted, and often end up bickering, so more often than not these days, I end up separating them and sending one of them to complete their work on my bed.

I did a reading lesson with Audra when she'd finished, (I alternate days for this with each girl), and then we all snuggled into my bed for reading time.  I read them a fairy tale from The Blue Fairy Book* and instead of having them narrate it back to me, I told them we could just draw a picture of Felicia's dress (she's a princess, and I knew this would appeal to them).  So then we drew pictures, side by side, and then they were all done.  They have a 5-minute room tidy and a couple other things on their lists for the day (mostly chores), but their school time was done.

Interspersed throughout this time (from when the kids come in from playing outside), I will often get requests for either help with math, or a narration (they narrate to me after each of their history/literature readings). 

And that was our school day! 

*I ended up dropping a few books (from the stack I began the year with) for the little girls.  It was all just too much.  We're still reading Aesop, The Blue Fairy Book, Burgess' Bird Book and a few others (D'Aulaire's books, that will come later in the year), but I dropped most of the history selections.


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