Loss

Over the last several weeks I have carried this precious piece of news: God had created a new life within me.  I carried this little one with gladness and such a sense of wonder for what God was doing: forming a new little person for our family.  Mark and I, we told the kids at the beginning of December and they were overjoyed.  Ella has long prayed for this, daily asking God to put a baby in mommy's tummy.  And so we have celebrated this tiny miracle, dreaming of who this one will be, of how our lives will be different with a baby in July.

Mark and I went together for my 11-week midwife appointment.   First, elation as we viewed our baby through the ultrasound: There!  Our sweet baby.  Tiny and perfectly formed.  Then, pause: But the baby seems so still. Is it just because the technician keeps freezing the screen and taking measurements, or...?  Then, a sudden, rushing knowledge: The baby IS too still.  There's no movement.  And there is no heartbeat.  At some point the previous week the baby had stopped growing.

We were stunned.  There were tears on Mark's face.  I felt a numbness that was only broken by the thought that we had to go now and tell the kids; these dear children who have longed for and prayed for and talked about little else but the joy of a new sibling.

There were conversations to have, a paper to sign, and a short walk out of the office and back to our van.  There, finally alone with Mark, I wept.  We sat together there for a few moments.  Mark reached for my hand and he prayed.  And then we headed for home.

We gathered the kids:  Mark sat on the couch with Ella on one side of him and the boys on the other side.  Audra faced me with her arms wrapped around my neck and her legs around my waist.  Adelia sat beside me.  I told them about the ultrasound, and that the baby had died inside mommy's tummy.

What I will remember about that moment is the sound of Audra's grief: she wept with great, heaving, noisy sobs- sounds I've never heard her make.  I remember wishing Ella was next to me, instead of across the way on the other couch.  I wanted to hold her and comfort her in her sorrow.   She cried silently next to Mark, who held her and cried, too.  The boys were silent and troubled.  I kept searching their faces for a sign of their emotion.  I knew they were sad, but they were so quiet.  Adelia peppered us with questions.  Audra's sobs finally quieted and she fell asleep in my arms.  We sat there for awhile, crying and talking through their questions, and then we prayed together. 

I think back to a journal entry I made weeks ago, as I battled my fears:

I trust You, Lord.  I know You are good and Your ways are good.  Even if this pregnancy were to end in miscarriage.  I love You.  I trust You.  You will sustain us. 

He is sustaining us. 


28 comments:

  1. Stacy, so sorry to hear of your loss. We have walked the same road and it is not easy, but God is so faithful to comfort and sustain. May He gather you and your family in His arms. Praying for you.

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    1. Thank you, Katie. Your words are so kind and comforting.
      Blessings to you and yours,
      ~Stacy

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  2. Oh my sweet friend, I am so sorry. Breaks my heart. Will be praying for you and yours as you walk through this grief. Wish I could bring a pot of soup and give you a big (((((hug)))))). I so remember your kindness during similar times in our family. Much love to you.

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    1. Thank you, Sandi. (Breaks my heart, too.) Thank you for your prayers.
      Love to you,
      ~Stacy

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  3. Stacy, oh my dear friend, my heart is with you and your family as you lean heavily on the comfort and peace found in Christ. Thank you for sharing this with us. Praying for you all. With much love.
    Heather

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    1. Thank you, sweet Heather, for your kindness and prayers.
      Love to you,
      ~Stacy

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  4. Stacy...though I do not personally know you, I feel as I do since I have been on and off of your blog for a couple of years (never commented, I don't think). I do not follow many blogs at all, but always look forward to seeing your writing and hearing of Jesus working in you and in your precious family....for your homeschooling helps....and your humility....I thank the Lord for it! 

    That said, I am so very sorry to hear of this loss. It is heartbreaking, indeed! I'm sorry to you and your family and to your future hopes for this child, yet I know you will hold him or her in a little while. This life really is but a vapor, and praise God you all will meet this precious soul one day. Until then, cling.....cling to the only One who can comfort you....and abide.....abide in Him. He promises to never leave us or forsake us. So cling dear sister in Christ.....and mourn.....your Comforter is at your side!

    With love and prayers in Christ...Jane in Pennsylvania

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    1. Oh, Jane~
      Thank you for taking the time to comment and for your thoughtful words. The kids and I were just talking about that the other day- that our lives are but a breath, and then: eternity! What a comfort the hope of heaven is. In the meantime, I am finding much comfort in God's Word~ from the Psalms in particular. And from the care of my dear husband and children and family and friends.
      Blessings to you and yours, Jane.
      ~Stacy

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  5. Praying for you and your dear family. May He draw you close and may He bring you peace as you grieve this huge loss.

    Sending my love to you, couched in prayer for strength.

    love you friend
    Kimmie

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    1. Thank you, sweet Kimmie.
      Love to you and thank you for your prayers, my friend.
      ~Stacy

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  6. oh Stacy! I am so sorry. I remember a friend came to comfort me after our miscarriage and she said, "It is horrible. And it is devastating. And God is good. And God loves you." I hope you find comfort in those words also. I am so sorry my friend. Hugs to your whole family xoxoxo

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    1. Thank you, Lucy.
      Yes. I am resting in those things, too: God is good. He loves me. His ways are good.
      Love to you and yours,
      ~Stacy

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  7. Mourning with you from Minnesota, but celebrating that sweet life nevertheless!! You and your family are such a encouragement to me! Thank you for sharing your life, the good and bad, with individuals you haven't even met. I appreciate your openness very much. And right now I pray for the comfort of the Holy Spirit on you and your family, especially those children who haven't had much practice yet grappling with the sorrows of life. May God hold you all close!

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    1. Oh, thank you, sweet Elizabeth!
      Your words here are so encouraging and comforting.
      Thank you so much.
      Blessings to you and yours,
      ~Stacy

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  8. Oh, dear Stacy, I am weeping with you now. May our good God comfort and sustain all of you as you walk through this grief. I am so, so sorry to hear this news-- my heart lept for joy when I read the first sentence of your post, and then sank into tears as I read on. We will be praying for you, dear ones, and I wish I could sit with you and pray and cry with you right now. But His arms can reach where mine cannot, and so I will lift you up to Him.
    Much, much love to all of you...
    Beka, for all of us

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    1. Sweet Beka,
      Thank you, kind friend, for hurting with us. And for your kind words and prayers. We definitely feel covered in prayer, and we are so thankful.
      Love to you, Beka. (I was just looking over your Christmas picture yesterday and rejoicing with you all over again at what God has done and is doing in your family! You are an encouragement to me.)
      ~Stacy

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  9. Weeping with you and Mark and the kids, dear daughter. Dad and I love you and our hearts grieve with you in the loss of your precious little one.

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    1. Thank you, mom. Thank you for all your prayers, too- and your tangible acts of love as you've served our family meal after meal after meal and cried with us and the flowers and the card. Thank you. Love you MUCH.
      ~Stacy

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  10. I was so excited when I first read your post! Praise God! Then I cried right along with you. How sad for the children and for you. I am thankful that you have an amazing husband that will hold your hand, cry with you and most importantly pray with you. It's good that you can refer back to your journal. Trust Him. Praise Him in All things. I am so sorry.

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    1. Carolynn,
      Thank you for your kind words, sweet friend. I am SO thankful for my husband. He's wonderful.
      Love to you,
      ~Stacy

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  11. I'm so terribly, terribly sorry, Stacy. My heart aches for you and your sweet family. One more reason to long for Heaven... come, dear Lord Jesus. May His comfort be near as you grieve.

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    1. Thank you, sweet Cara.
      He is so comforting, and I thank you for your kindness.
      ~Stacy

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  12. I know your pain. So sorry. I'll be praying for all of you.

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    1. Thank you, Tami.
      Love to you all,
      ~Stacy

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  13. I haven't read your blog for a while and I am so sad for you to read this news. You and Mark and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

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