Green pastures in the middle of the muck

God has a beautiful way of reminding me of His words of truth exactly when I need them.

~

It was last week, sometime, early on a Monday morning when I had gone into my room to sneak in a few minutes with the Lord.  Most of the kids were up, but Audra (7) still slept. I was glad she was sleeping because she's been really tired (read: emotional), and I don't think she's getting enough sleep.

I sort of have this idea that we should be quiet and considerate when others are sleeping.  I just think that's a nice thing to do.  So it's one of the rules that the kids stay away from the bedrooms/hallways of sleeping siblings.  So as I sat quietly journaling, attempting to align my heart to His for the full school day ahead, suddenly one of the kids busted into my room to ask me a question.  Loudly.  Since I had heard this particular child being REALLY noisy in the other room, I reminded this child of the sleeping sister.  Then another one of the kids came into the hallway (so very near Audra's door) and started talking to us.  I tried to shoo them all out of the hallway area and before you know it, a third child was there and suddenly there is bickering between two children and my stress that has been rising just bursts right open.  So I spill sin out in irritation and frustration and harshness, and command everyone away, NOW.

And then I turn again to my time with Jesus. Whereupon I have to confess and repent and then get on up and go make things right with all the people I hurt in the hallway and then plead for quiet and return.

I've been reading through the Psalms, and I picked up where I'd left off.  Psalm 23.

The LORD is my shepherd, 
I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures, 
he leads me beside quiet waters, 
he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Honestly, I could barely read it because this does not resemble my life, as much as I want it to.  I wrote these above verses down in my journal and wrote these notes beside them:

*I WANT green pastures, LORD.
*and ESPECIALLY quiet waters. (emphasis on quiet)
*Seriously, HOW do I find *those* in the midst of THIS?!?!

I never even got to finish that journal entry because I got interrupted again.  But I kept those few verses at the forefront of my mind as I went about my day and I puzzled over the incongruency of that serene picture verses my actual life.

As I pondered those words, I realized something that seemed profound to me that day.  (Now, I'm sure it's not actually profound and that God has whispered this to me several times before, but it was what I needed to be reminded afresh that day.)

There are a lot of us here, crammed into our house, full of our sinful selves, and there is a lot to accomplish each day in terms of school and chores and just relating to each other well.  It can get SO crazy.  (Meaning mostly that I can get so anxious/stressed/uptight.)  And God reminded me through these verses that those words are indeed for me, too, the crazy homeschooling mom.  Even the green-pastures-quiet-waters parts.  Because I can be calm and my spirit can be quieted and that makes all the difference.  I am able to rest in Him and to trust in Him and *not freak out* over things-- internally or outwardly (harshness, angst, irritation).

And I can do that because He lives within me.  So I asked Him to quiet my spirit, to be Lord over my mind and to lead me throughout the rest of our day.  (I need that reminder every single day, apparently, because my go-to in the craziness just doesn't happen to be a calm and gentle spirit.)

***

Then again, today, we had a really rough morning.  I was trying to get something done with the kids and one of them was working equally hard to sabotage my plans.  Or so it seemed.

Fast-forward to many (failed) attempts by me and many (successful) attempts by my child and I was all done.  I literally walked out the front door and took a walk around the block to cool my temper.  And then I came in, sat down, and sobbed. My internal recorder during these moments is this, on repeat: "I can't do this.  I cannot do this." Which isn't healthy, helpful, or true, I realize, but there it is.

So, hours later I sit down to process this all in my journal and I told Jesus that I needed a TRUE thing to repeat to myself, and would He give it?

And I turn to where I'm reading in the Psalms and read the next set of verses and here it is:

That's now taped into my journal so that I can be reminded of truth.  Right smack in the middle of my chaos and my helplessness and weariness, He gives strength, He blesses with peace.  He did, too.  The start of our day was rocky but we finished well today, and He strengthened and brought peace into the crazy.  I am so grateful for Him.  And I am thankful that He is busy refining me even though it's hard and there's a lot of refining to do.

Love to you, sweet friends.  May He strengthen you, too, with His word.

Journal

I've been reading through the Psalms this summer, because I love them.

I am always so amazed at how personally God addresses my heart through His word.  There have been so many days this summer that I have come to Him, praying for strength or feeling the weight of doubts or fears or stresses, and He is so gracious to address those very things when I turn to His word.  I love that. 

One of my goals has been to capture one verse for each reading that God has used to particularly encourage me that day.  I'm sharing a few, here, and then I'll share a couple excerpts of what I wrote from my journal that day:

God, may whatever comes today be that in which I face with a strength of heart.  You are the lifter of my head.  You are my shield.  You shield me.  So that which makes it through to me is that which you have allowed and that which I can tackle.  Lift up my head to You today, LORD.  May I look UP.  At You, not at these circumstances around me which may tempt me to be downcast.  You are the lifter of my head.

You remind me this morning, God, of this ^ truth.  Rest comes from You. And from You alone.  I am tempted to think I can find rest in so many other places or things: in books or movies and snacks, in scrolling through Facebook or more "down time" on the internet.  The TRUTH?  My soul will find rest in YOU ALONE.  Call me to Yourself.  I need You.  I need that soul-rest.  Amen.
 

Love to you all! May God encourage you through His word this week as you seek Him! ~Stacy

From the pages of my journal

Approximately every six months I come to the final pages of my journal and need a new one. I always look forward to getting a new journal ready.  I take time to look back through the pages of my last journal and note some lessons or verses God has given me and then I plaster that first page with the truths God has been speaking to my heart.

{first page of my new journal}

{second page in: a prayer list}

 

 

{another page: listing things I'm grateful for}

For these next several months, my prayer focuses are these: (see photo #2)

Monday- for me, as a wife, mama, teacher, homemaker. for passion, love for Jesus, "5 things", devotion, discipline, humility
Tuesday- for Mark, as husband, father, provider, leader, employee, lover of God
Wednesday- for my girls (really anything that is on my heart regarding each of them)
Thursday- for my boys
Friday- for friends and family (extended) needs
Saturday- for our neighbors, the lost, our Compassion kids, missionaries
Sunday- our church

Snippets from my journal and prayers on a Monday morning

It's Monday morning. I'm heading into this week weary and feeling overwhelmed.  This is Mark's long work week (no day off), and I really wish I was starting this week feeling rested, but that's just not the case.

I went walking early with my mom, then came home through the back door to find Mark loading the dishwasher for me before he left for work.  I sat at the kitchen table and drank a glass of water and he asked me how I was, and then listened to me while he worked, and I told him of my weariness.  He took time to pray for me before I saw him out the back door.  Then I snuck into my room, trying to avoid all the creaky floorboards, closing our old door just so; so that it won't click noisily, hoping and praying everyone would stay sleeping so that I could begin this day quietly.

So here I sit on my bed, under the warmth of an electric blanket. A little bit ago I pulled out my journal and started telling God all about it: my weariness, how there are so many demands on me in a school week and I'm feeling a little pouty and slightly resentful, even, that I will run around today and this week meeting everyone else's needs but would really like someone to take care of ME.  (Does anyone else ever feel that way?  Maybe I'm just especially selfish.  ;))

Even as I'm writing that prayer to God, I am thinking of this verse, which I then anchored to the page of my journal and to my mind for the day:

from my journal pages this morning

Yes.  I am trusting Him.  He knows me, He cares for me, He sees me.  He is my God and He will supply every need of mine according to His riches.  I can trust that while I am looking out for everyone else's needs this morning and throughout this day?  He will attend to mine.

And I can see the ways He's already doing that today...

~He gave me the gift of going walking early with my mom: exercise and fresh air and adult conversation for a half-hour! (5406)

~Coming home to find Mark in the kitchen, loading the dishwasher.  His kindness in loving me through practical service to me.  He knows I like to begin my day with a clean kitchen, and he got up early-- sacrificing his own sleep-- to do so. (5407)

~Mark praying for me as he cleaned the kitchen (he told me when I came in he'd been praying for our day), and aloud, with me, before he left for work. (5408)

~Mark, who faithfully works hard to provide for our family. (5409)

~Passing Isaias on my way to my room, as he's heading outside to do his morning chores.  So thankful for my kids and the work they do so faithfully around the house. (5410)

~This sweet time of quiet God just granted me-- a whole 40+ minutes of time to journal and pray and rest in the truth of His word while He kept the kids sleeping. (5411)

~The coziness of our home and my bed (and the warmth of the electric blanket!) (5412)

~His word, which is so precious to me. (5413)

~My chatty little Audra (6), who was the first to come into my room, snugging up beside me and talking, talking, talking, always talking.  How I love her and how thankful I am for this girl, the gift that she is to me, the miracle of her.  (5414)

Praying now that my eyes will continue to be open to see the goodness of God today; to see Him so richly and personally providing for my every need.

Blessing to you, sweet friends, on your day!  May each of you see Him in his rich provision for you, too. 

Begin with love

I wrote this in my journal today:


 That is my prayer.

A few weeks ago I asked my little cluster of girlfriends to pray for me regarding my son, and my sometimes-difficult relationship with him.  Just two weeks later I was in tears with them over challenges with my daughter. After I'd shared a bit, they so sweetly asked for a follow up on my son, "How is he doing? How are things going with him?" to which I sort of blankly looked at them and then answered, "Fine.  My daughter has moved so far up in the ranks that he seemed positively dreamy this week."  I really don't know if I would have even noticed any negative or challenging behavior from him because my other child was SO OVERWHELMING it would have eclipsed it. 

Isn't that how it works?  If it's not one child that is bringing me to tears, it's another.  Always.  God is particularly faithful about using mothering to refine me.  And when we're all here, around one another every day, all up in each others' business and all of us sinful, ESPECIALLY ME?!?  Sheesh.  It can get ugly.  I can get ugly.

Lately I've recognized (thank you, Holy Spirit) that so often my first response to the Particularly Challenging Child of the Week is one of put-outness.  (I know that's not technically a word but you get it, right?)

This week it's my seven-year old.  I adore that girl, but she is exhausting in her constancy.  It is: "Mommy, mommy, mommeeeee!..." all.day.long.  Just one "Mommy" is enough, really. 

I have learned not to tell her if we have something going on that day until RIGHT BEFORE it happens.  Otherwise she will ask about it every three minutes.  (You think I'm exaggerating, but I'm not.) 

When she wants something and I say no, she just tackles it from a different angle.  And she is relentless in her desire to create action and drama-- thus trouble-- with whoever she happens to be around.

She has no boundaries, really- for what comes out of her mouth.  Which is really very humbling for me-who-tries-to-be-sensitive-to-everyone's-feelings-and-comfort-level.  Example: recently we had a couple from Mark's work over for dinner who were living together (not married).  She knew this, all the kids did.  But of course she's the one who loudly asks, as we're filling our plates with food, "So are they MARRIED?"  I shook my head, and gave her The Look, trying to communicate with my eyes and body language that No, we are not talking about this right now, and tried to move past the moment.  After all, the couple had already gotten their food and were now in the living room.  Perhaps they hadn't heard, or weren't paying attention?  And just when I think we've passed the awkward moment, she's at it again, same question, only louder this time, same question.  She knew not to ask, but I think she was probably bored and wanted to create some excitement.

Anyway, all that to just describe to you that she's a bit much for me sometimes.

[On a side note, I can't wait to see what God has in store for this girl.   He has great things ahead for her big personality, and I will love seeing how He shapes her and uses her.  And I will love it when He answers my prayers for patience and wisdom as He does so! ;)]

Anyway, so this week has been rough. And I was saying that my first response to really every interaction with her of late has been purely one of exasperation.  I begin with impatience and irritability and the Lord reminded me last night and again this morning that I should begin with LOVE.   So my prayer is that He would help me to start there; that love would be my first response.  And grace.  And delight.  And kindness.  That He would lead me and counsel me in every interaction with her; that He would fill me with HIS love for her. 

May He do the same for you and your Particularly Challenging Children.  ;)

Love to you and yours,
~Stacy

Open House | Monday, May 18

Hello, dear friends-

Here is what's going on today:

Outside my window | is our garden, just waiting to be planted.  Tomorrow is the day.  (More details on that to follow, I'm sure.)  So excited.  Also outside are my tomato plants, waiting to be potted.  And some white petunias I just potted in some terra cotta pots for my front porch.

our garden spot after rototilling, with happy chickens pecking around in it

Homeschooling | today it's in the 70's, so we did as much as we could outside.  Nature study, picture study and read-aloud all happened outdoors in the sunshine (me & Ella) or shade (everyone else). ;)

In the kitchen | does making lattes count?  ;)  This morning I made breakfast sandwiches- by making up a double-batch of some quick yogurt biscuits (have I shared that recipe here?), slapped a fried egg on each of them, sprinkled some cheese and a piece of bacon.  They were a hit.  We even delivered some to daddy at work. :)

Reading aloud | I am in the process of reading three books to the kids.  The first one is The Tarantula in My Purse (funny true stories of a family who adopts several interesting pets, including a crow and apparently that other one mentioned in the title that I may have to skip.  Yipes.)  I'm also making my way through Little House in the Big Woods (because earlier this year I decided we needed to read through the whole series again, with the little girls in mind) and Copper-Toed Boots (a recent find at a thrift store- 99 cents!)  Mark is reading The Green Ember in the evenings to the kids.

Looking forward to | my next date night with Mark, our anniversary get-away in June, getting our garden planted, having friends over Thursday morning, heading outside very soon to sit in my cozy orange chair in the sunshine and journal, Friday-night game night planned with my brother and sister-in-law, Mark's day off.... all sorts of things!  :)

Thankful | for a little goal I made back in March.... "20 lbs by 40".  I'm turning 40 in July ( which is utterly crazy ) and I decided in mid-March that my birthday gift to myself would be to lose 20 lbs.  And... I'm nearly there!  (16 lbs down), so I'm super thankful for the dedication God has gifted me during this season.  [I've just been counting calories through My Fitness Pal, and committing to exercise at least 20 minutes 6x/week.] 

Here is a peek at the back pages of my journal- my own little calendar where I'm keeping track of (by coloring in the little daily box) each day I come in under or at my calorie count).

Thinking | about possibly starting to read books again in July.  That will have been a six-month sabbatical from books.  And I miss reading so very much.  :(  We'll see.

Enjoying | these Bible studies from Stone Soup for Five, which are inductive-based but also very creative-minded.  I love this combination.  I'm journaling my way through Philippians right now using one of her studies, and Ella and I are slooooowly working through a Matthew study together. 

Best posts I've read online lately |
Sally Clarkson's post called If You Want to Win Your Child's Heart, Don't Go By the Rules, and Aimee's post called Bedtimes, Hot Cocoa Packets, and Listening to the Spirit.
Go there, read those.  You will be encouraged in your mothering.  :)

I truly hope you are all doing well and enjoying our lovely Spring!  

Blessings to you and yours,
~Stacy


*this post contains affiliate links

Three photos from this week

From my journal: praying through this verse this week (from Romans 2), particularly in my interactions with the kids.  I've been asking the Holy Spirit to alert me when there is an opportunity for kindness, and to repent when I have not been so.

Happy news: my "little" brother Micah and his wife Tara had a baby boy! Finn.  He's darling and perfect and I am always in wonder over the miracle of pregnancy and birth; the whole amazing process, and the tiny, perfect babies that God creates.  I get to be an auntie again and my kids are over the moon excited about having a new cousin!

And: breakfast.  I make this in some form or another for breakfast every morning, so I decided to snap a picture of it in process.  This is from this morning, and it's about a T of chopped onions, a cup of chopped spinach, a few T of corn and some ground turkey (2 oz).  Then I fry an egg into the middle of it and add salsa on the top.  Sometimes I switch out the meat, depending on what we have (bacon, sausage, ground beef, leftover roast), and corn is a new addition, but it's almost always onions, spinach and the egg with some meat thrown in.  Sometimes I sprinkle smoked paprika and/or cumin on top and YUM.  Love.

Happy Saturday to you!  I'm off to make myself a latte and tidy the kitchen, then my room (so: at the very least: make my bed), while the kids do room clean-up, then make a meal plan and get a grocery list ready, then pick up my Ella from her cousins house, where she slept over.  (Missed her!) and do some Easter baking and cooking.  Love to you and yours,

~Stacy 

History and Journaling, all in one post.

Hello friends,

Happy Friday to you.  :)  On Friday mornings my beloved mom takes the kids for a couple of hours so that I can have some time to myself.  (What I look forward to on Fridays is the quiet.)

Often I'll just stay home, clean the kitchen, make myself some coffee, and sit with my Bible and journal.  Sometimes I run errands.  Today I went to the bank, then dropped a bag of clothes off at the consignment store, and then drove out to Old Navy to make a return.  Then came home to clean the kitchen.  :)  I printed out some schoolish things I've been meaning to,  and now I have some time here to write.  :)  (Oh!  And I finally snapped some pictures of my journal so that I can show you a bit of it....)

First: History.  This year Ella and Isaac are both doing Ambleside Year 6.  I've recently decided to read what they're reading, so that I can track their narrations better and learn for myself, too.  We're currently reading Augustus Caesar's World, The Story of the Greeks, and Genesis: Finding our Roots.  I find it really hard to read history without taking notes of some sort, so in a blank journal I've been taking notes and doing some drawn narrations as I go.... really simply, like this:

And here are some snapshots of my journal.  I haven't been cutting out many (any?) things out of magazines like I used to, (mainly because Barnes & Noble stopped carrying my favorite magazine)  but I'm having fun nonetheless:

first page of my current journal

on a day when I took the kids down to Boulevard for nature study & cocoa

I even documented our bout of influenza!  ;)

*This post contains affiliate links

Journaling

I only have a few pages left in my current journal, so I went out to buy a new one yesterday.  I have a little tradition when it's time for a new journal:  I go to the bookstore-- Barnes & Noble, usually-- since they sell the spiral-bound blank books I like (in the art section)- and purchase a journal and a fun magazine.  This is the only time I ever buy magazines- and I buy it only to go home and cut it up, which seems rather silly, I realize.  But it's a treat for me because I fill those blank journal pages with pictures I've clipped and then I get to enjoy them for the next several months.  

some blank journal pages

I spend time every single day- with few exceptions- writing in my journal, so I like it to look pretty.  This is my best effort.  My very own "Pinterest" board, if you will. 

some other pages from fall, before I'd written in them

Then I just journal around the pictures.  Everything goes into my journal: verses, prayers, to-do lists, all sorts of other lists, gardening plans, quotes I like, notes to myself, menu plans, cute things the kids say, homeschooling ideas, recipes, ideas, goals, books I'm reading, schedules, knitting patterns, sketches, cards from Mark, drawings from the kids, doodling, plans for rearranging furniture and sermon notes.  It's all there.  I've tried before to keep separate journals- for instance, a separate prayer journal-- but I've decided that it's easier for me to have it all in one place.   So I've been doing it this way for years and I love it. 

And some really old pages- I took these last three photos several years ago