Daily surrender

*2006 post*

My heart has been heavy for a season. I’ve considered sharing why that is so but then I wonder what the purpose would be. I’m still not sure, but I’ve decided to share a bit today.

My husband and I would love to have another child. And I have not been able to get pregnant. We’ve been trying (diligently) for nearly a year. (But who’s counting, right?) For anyone who has ever tried to get pregnant, you know that it is difficult not to. Count, that is. The days of your cycle. The months. The possible symptoms. And then there are those days of hope. Maybe this is the month. And then it becomes clear that it isn’t the month. And it is difficult.

We’ve been down this road before. It took us two and a half years- and many months with an infertility specialist- to get pregnant with our first child. Our second pregnancy was a complete surprise. We adopted our third. Each child a miracle. Gifts from God. And here we are- longing for more children, but… unable to get pregnant.

I find myself struggling with discontentment. Yet Philippians 4:11-13 says, I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances… I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

I have much to learn about contentment. I think the secret Paul learned is to continually draw from the Source of strength for his own strength. That I am learning. I think it is a daily drawing from His strength, and I think it’s a daily surrender.

Last week, in my journal, I wrote:

I surrender to Your will, to Your purposes, to Your plans for us. I surrender my own desires to have a positive pregnancy test, to feel a baby kick within me, to wonder at the sweet growth of that little baby inside of me, to choose a name, to deliver this miracle into the world, to carefully hold that tiny life, to breastfeed… I surrender it to you, my Father. I entrust it into Your hands. Give us strength for the journey. I desire nothing but Your will.

I do not know at what point this season will end. Or if it will. But I do know that I want to be faithful through it. I want to bring honor and glory to God through even this. I want my life to testify of His goodness and faithfulness in the midst of seasons of joy and seasons of difficulty. I do not want to be ungrateful or take for granted the gifts He has already lavished so generously upon us. I want to be thankful. And joyful. And content. I want to rest in His sovereignty.

After a difficult week, Mark and I spent some time last night talking, and crying… and once again entrusting this to our Father.

This morning I pulled out the Bible at breakfast with the kids to read our morning Psalm. The first verse I read was this:

We give thanks to you, O God, we give thanks, for your Name is near…

Yes. I am thankful.

And the second verse?

You say, “I choose the appointed time…”

Yes. He chooses. And I surrender to His choice, His sovereignty. Today. And tomorrow. And all the tomorrows after that. I trust Him.