Hope

I feel compelled to get a little transparent with you today, so bear with me as I try to sort out what I should say.

There have been times when I have alluded to struggles with one of my children before. I have not said much more than that here on the blog- for several reasons- which is truly ironic because it is a major part of my life and thoughts and prayers and cries to God. My journals are full- for the past couple of years- of prayers surrounding this boy and my relationship with him.

In a nutshell, there is a lot of pain and hurt in him. Our relationship- especially his and mine- has been rough, to say the very least. Mark and I are convinced that he has some level of attachment disorder and it is a difficult road.

I am quick to become fearful of what lies ahead. From one of my journal entries this past year:

"So often when I look at this relationship and the distance there and the lack of affection, I feel hopeless. I feel discouraged and I give in to all the fears and the what-if's and all the negative what-it's-probably-going-to-look-like-in-the-future in addition to the frustration of me not getting it right, ever. Why can't I be transformed? Why can't I actively obey and love and hold and be affectionate and simply BE what I don't FEEL? And I feel guilt and doubt and sorrow and the despair that things will not get better."

That brings me to the reason for this post.

God has been so faithful to me; to us, through this journey. A couple of months ago I was running errands and a song came on and He used it to speak to me about His power.

He reminded me of who He is. He is bigger. So much bigger than all my what-if's. He reminded me of His faithfulness so many other times- not only in Scripture but in my life. He woke me up to the reality of Who I'm dealing with, of Who holds all of this. And, for the first time in a long time, I felt buoyed. It was like, "Yeah. Look who I've got on MY side! Look who is here, fighting on my team."

And hope crept in.

The challenge for me is to remain there, in that place of trusting Him to accomplish what He has set out to do.

[As a side note, it seems an incredibly crazy thing that He has chosen me to be a part of whatever He's going to do, here- because I am a pathetic excuse for a team member. Nothing in my life has brought me more humility than my role as a mother to this boy. I royally suck at it. I cannot seem to do it well or right or God-honoring, ever. You might think I am exaggerating, but I am so not.]

Anyway, as I was saying- it is a continual challenge for me to remain in that place of trust. The enemy would have me stay in that place of doubt and fear- and often I listen to the lies and tuck myself away and remain there in that place of discouragement.

I have to fight to keep that hope and hold it close. I want to claim it and proclaim it: that He is mighty to save, that He will do a good work here- in me and in him and in us.

One of the first verses I felt led to memorize this past year was from Isaiah 43:

Do not call to mind the former things,
Or ponder things of the past.
"Behold, I will do something new,
Now it will spring forth;
Will you not be aware of it?
I will even make a roadway in the wilderness,
rivers in the desert.

(verses 18 and 19, NAS)

Today, again- I spent time asking God to show His glory in this troubled relationship. I repented of my many, frequent sins- and asked Him to speak to me, and the above passage is what He reminded me of all over again.

That I am not to dwell on the past- on the heartache of what has been. That He is going to do something new. That He can make a roadway in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. That He can do the impossible, the miraculous. That nothing is too great for Him to accomplish, and that no one is so sinful (even me) that He can't use to accomplish it through. He reminds me of His power and His might and His ability- no, His willingness, His desire- to do just that.

And hope is right there.

That's where I'm at today.

I don't know where you're at, or why I feel like God wanted me to share a little of this today... but I hope that somehow you'll be encouraged that whatever your situation is- it is not too difficult for God. He can do all things.

I am trusting in Him, waiting on Him, and remembering to *hope* and not to lose heart. He is mighty. I am expectant, and I am anticipating what He's going to do in this situation. Surely He has great things ahead.