I feel compelled to get a little transparent with you today, so bear with me as I try to sort out what I should say.

There have been times when I have alluded to struggles with one of my children before. I have not said much more than that here on the blog- for several reasons- which is truly ironic because it is a major part of my life and thoughts and prayers and cries to God. My journals are full- for the past couple of years- of prayers surrounding this boy and my relationship with him.

In a nutshell, there is a lot of pain and hurt in him. Our relationship- especially his and mine- has been rough, to say the very least. Mark and I are convinced that he has some level of attachment disorder and it is a difficult road.

I am quick to become fearful of what lies ahead. From one of my journal entries this past year:

"So often when I look at this relationship and the distance there and the lack of affection, I feel hopeless. I feel discouraged and I give in to all the fears and the what-if's and all the negative what-it's-probably-going-to-look-like-in-the-future in addition to the frustration of me not getting it right, ever. Why can't I be transformed? Why can't I actively obey and love and hold and be affectionate and simply BE what I don't FEEL? And I feel guilt and doubt and sorrow and the despair that things will not get better."

That brings me to the reason for this post.

God has been so faithful to me; to us, through this journey. A couple of months ago I was running errands and a song came on and He used it to speak to me about His power.

He reminded me of who He is. He is bigger. So much bigger than all my what-if's. He reminded me of His faithfulness so many other times- not only in Scripture but in my life. He woke me up to the reality of Who I'm dealing with, of Who holds all of this. And, for the first time in a long time, I felt buoyed. It was like, "Yeah. Look who I've got on MY side! Look who is here, fighting on my team."

And hope crept in.

The challenge for me is to remain there, in that place of trusting Him to accomplish what He has set out to do.

[As a side note, it seems an incredibly crazy thing that He has chosen me to be a part of whatever He's going to do, here- because I am a pathetic excuse for a team member. Nothing in my life has brought me more humility than my role as a mother to this boy. I royally suck at it. I cannot seem to do it well or right or God-honoring, ever. You might think I am exaggerating, but I am so not.]

Anyway, as I was saying- it is a continual challenge for me to remain in that place of trust. The enemy would have me stay in that place of doubt and fear- and often I listen to the lies and tuck myself away and remain there in that place of discouragement.

I have to fight to keep that hope and hold it close. I want to claim it and proclaim it: that He is mighty to save, that He will do a good work here- in me and in him and in us.

One of the first verses I felt led to memorize this past year was from Isaiah 43:
Do not call to mind the former things,
Or ponder things of the past.
"Behold, I will do something new,
Now it will spring forth;
Will you not be aware of it?
I will even make a roadway in the wilderness,
rivers in the desert.

(verses 18 and 19, NAS)

Today, again- I spent time asking God to show His glory in this troubled relationship. I repented of my many, frequent sins- and asked Him to speak to me, and the above passage is what He reminded me of all over again.

That I am not to dwell on the past- on the heartache of what has been. That He is going to do something new. That He can make a roadway in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. That He can do the impossible, the miraculous. That nothing is too great for Him to accomplish, and that no one is so sinful (even me) that He can't use to accomplish it through. He reminds me of His power and His might and His ability- no, His willingness, His desire- to do just that.

And hope is right there.

That's where I'm at today.

I don't know where you're at, or why I feel like God wanted me to share a little of this today... but I hope that somehow you'll be encouraged that whatever your situation is- it is not too difficult for God. He can do all things.

I am trusting in Him, waiting on Him, and remembering to *hope* and not to lose heart. He is mighty. I am expectant, and I am anticipating what He's going to do in this situation. Surely He has great things ahead.


  1. I was quickly checking my reader before going to bed. I should continue that direction but wanted to thank you for being so transparent.

    I can so relate to the desparate feeling. The what if's can be haunting if I don't face them with His goodness and hope. Really hope is ALL we have!

    I have also struggled with how much to write on my blog....it IS so much apart of daily life. Feeling lately that sharing might not just be about me. Thanks for the nudge.

    Might say more later. Will be praying for you and your boy while I'm on my knees for me and my boy.

    Again thanks for the encouragment!

  2. I don't really have much to say - I think you did a wonderful job of expressing who the Lord is and what He wants to do and what He is capable of. But I did want to say something - to acknowledge what the Lord is doing, to encourage you to continue persevering in this direction. So "Amen" sister. (and I mean that in the most sincere, part-of-Christ's-body way and not like gangsta or anything. ;-)

  3. right there. broken & brokenhearted. not something that i can write about at all.

    thanks so much for writing, for sharing your heart and that precious scripture.

    praying for you and your boy.
    love you, q

  4. This is a beautiful post Stacy, thank you for sharing. I am saddened by your struggle. We love our kids so much and it is so hard to deal with anything that blocks that path.

  5. Thank you so much for sharing, Stacy.

  6. You are a beautiful woman.

    Thank you for sharing the depths of your despair with us in effort to encourage US to hope in Him who never fails.

    While my journey with my son is different than the one you are experiencing, it is one fraught with turmoil and struggle. So your words of hope this morning were a liferaft in a sea of desperation.

    "Surely He has great things...."

    Surely He does.

  7. praying for you...I feel your pain. I had worked with children all my life and thought parenting would be wonderful...then God gave me my oldest son.
    There have been no parenting books to quite fit his needs...I have looked.
    My husband recently reminded me that maybe that is why God had me work with kids my whole life...I would be the perfect person for this crazy child!!
    God is good...let's keep our eyes on Him and take it one day at a time!!

  8. {{{Stacy}}}
    I've been where you're at and it can be such a lonely place. It is not an easy topic to talk about esp. when you're right in the middle of it. It took 4 years and a wonderful Christian counselor to help us over the last hump before our son was able to completely heal. Once he let go of all the anger towards bm he has been a different child. Oh but those years...there were so many times I knew I did not like my son, did not love my son, and sometimes I didn't even want to call him my son and wasn't sure I wanted him to be my son. Over the last 2 years God has grown us together and I can honestly say that I love him and am so proud of him now.

    I guess I said all that to say, you are not alone. And God is a great God and He can heal this little soul and fill your heart with love for your little guy.

  9. Stacy, this was a WONDERFUl post. Let me share with you what it meant to me today:

    I had an appointment with a new Dr. today. (She was EXTREMELY blunt, by the way, and I LOVE her! :) You see, the last several months I have had NO energy and have been VERY concerned as to why. I was convinced since it came on so suddenly that there was SURELY something physically wrong with me - add to that the fact the my 9 year-old son has no siblings and no one can answer why it was time to see a new doc. She looked me square in the eye and told me that she could run more tests and try to help me find something but it was all a waste of time. I have no energy because I am morbidly obese and my body is literally SUFFOCATING in fat. (I have NO high blood pressure, blood sugar or cholesterol issues, so it is easy for the doctors to be NICE about my need to lose weight.) I now have a weight loss goal of 1-2 pounds a week and a total goal to lose 140 pounds. It sounds like a mountain and I don't have the energy to even LOOK at the mountain right now. However, God provides - like the FREE recumbent exercise bike that was given to us last week (which takes all the pressure off of my joints that already ache). I go back in a month to see her again and hope to have lost 5 pounds in that time...in the meantime, God will be ALL that can get me through this struggle. There's only up from here.

    Thank you for your beautiful and encouraging post...I really needed it today! :)

  10. I am so proud of you and your perseverance in this.
    You get no thanks, no break and you don't get to see fruit... yet.
    But you keep on keeping on.
    And you know that it is because of Him that you even can.
    I have complete faith that this situation will be redeemed one day. And because of your humility, your understanding that you suck at this on your own, God will receive the glory.
    I will keep praying for peace, patience and joy in you as you lean on Christ in this HUGE trial.
    Love you.

  11. Oh Stacy!

    Sending prayers your way for this struggle of yours. So glad to be reminded of the hope that we have in our God.

  12. Stacy I love your transparency here. What an encouragement to hear how you are taking all of this to the Lord with such humility; to hear of your pages and pages of journal entries.

    I am believing God for you in this. Believing in a God who does miracles; who will one day set you and your son free. In the meantime I will pray for you guys through these hard days. Love and blessings to you. :)

  13. Believing, hoping, and praying with you, my friend. Thank you for sharing...

    Makes me think of this.

    Love you!

  14. Thank you for the scripture reference, I think I might need to memorize it too!! As my children are growing and changing, I seem to be struggling trying to keep up with everyone and everything b/c of so many other things that we're dealing with right now.

    My husband and I have become hooked on Lie to Me, a Fox show. One of the episodes talked about attachment disorder. I think the child had been adopted for 5-6 years (was age 5 at adoption and about 11 now). I didn't think a child would still be dealing with attachment disorder for that long but I guess it happens. I think it's one area that I haven't heard many parents discuss. I hope someone can talk to you about it some more and work through the issue (besides what God is doing already!). :)

  15. i couldn't find your email on your blog....could you send it to me? i have been where you are and each day is anew with the challenges. if you have a moment i would like to share with you.

    please know you are not alone. hang in there.... love, missy


  16. Stacy--thanks so much for sharing your struggle with us. I was so encouraged by your experience, and have a similar struggle with one of my children. I try and fail to love this child the way I should, and continue to cry out to God, "Change me! Sanctify me!"

    When you said:

    **Why can't I be transformed? Why can't I actively obey and love and hold and be affectionate and simply BE what I don't FEEL? And I feel guilt and doubt and sorrow and the despair that things will not get better.**

    I thought, that is exactly my frustration! I want to rise above my frustration (anger) and love this child as he/she needs to be loved. I just constantly pray Romans 8:28 for this kid; that God would be gracious enough to use my failure in this child's life for GOOD even as He continues to work on me. Blessings to you today.

  17. Oh, Stacy. May you someday drink the wine that Jesus will make out of the water that issi your tears.
    Bless you.

  18. ...and hope does not disappoint for the love of God has been poured out in your heart through the Holy Spirit. (Rom 5)

    I love transparency. Thank you for sharing! I will now begin to pray for your son, and for you. I might not understand completely, but I do understand, "I royally suck at it. I cannot seem to do it well or right or God-honoring, ever." And I'm not exaggerating either. I love you, friend!

    Grace and Peace,

  19. I echo the thoughts of the others, Stacy. Thank you for your transparency! I think of the verse that "No temptation has seized you except that is common to man..." b/c I see that so many of the sinful struggles that I have as a mom, you have too, as do the other ladies that commented. We have different situations that cause these deep responses, but the struggle is similar, and we are not alone. There is no condemnation! Grace is extended and hope is given. Wow.

    I hurt for you in your momma's heart of pain with this little guy. I am thankful for God's voice of Truth to your soul, and that you shared that hope with us. Blessings upon blessings be poured onto and into your relationship with this child. The Lord IS Redeemer, making beauty out of our ashes, as we wait on Him... are transformed by Him. Praise God for hope to hold on. Love you, sister.
    XO Camee

  20. Stacy,

    Thanks for your kind comment.

    It truly is the kindness of God...our little baby. I was recently thinking about all that has come about around his little life. Much faith, much joy and remembering the waiting and sorrow too...knowing that not all those waiting will have the same outcome.

    Thanks you for praying, and rejoicing with us.

    It's hard to put into words the joy and gratefulness I have over my little boy. I see time so much more precious.

    Continuing to pray for you and your little man.

  21. You don't know me, but I found your blog via a comment you left on another of my friends' blogs. Something about your picture tugged at me & said "come read". I have only just begun to read, but I had to comment on this post. I really do understand the pain & heartache in parenting a Reactive Attachment Disorder kiddo. It's so far beyond what most parents ever have to deal with & it's not obvious to the external world, so it's hard to discuss with anyone. I don't know all of the struggles you've faced since I've just started reading, but I wanted you to know that I'm praying for you tonight as I post this comment. You're in my thoughts.

  22. Thank you, dear readers, for all of your kind and supportive words.

    Blessings to each one of you as you hold onto Hope in the midst of your own challenges in parenting or otherwise!

    Much love to you!


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