My anchor holds

I want to be outside today.  The sun is shining brightly.  It's so warm that I think I could get three whole loads of laundry dry on the clothesline.  There are raspberries to pick, flower beds and the garden to water and weed, the lawn to mow.  I want to peek at my tomatoes to see if they're ripening, and look at the progress the beans have made up their poles.  I want to cut bouquets of hydrangeas and put them in every room of the house.

Instead, I'm lying down, resting and recovering from another miscarriage.   

Who knew this would be part of my story?  Two miscarriages in seven months.

I am reminded of a conversation Mark and I had when we went away for our anniversary.  I told him that one of the things I was thankful for was that my faith was strong throughout the miscarriage.

I don't feel so strong this time.

I feel wounded by the Lord.  After several years of longing and sorrow, we had come to a place of surrender regarding our state of not-being-able-to-get-pregnant.  We had accepted that as part of our reality and we were truly content.  Then, in the winter of last year: the precious, miraculous news that we were expecting.  Such joy and anticipation and thankfulness.  And then, the baby died.

Again, in late spring: another positive pregnancy test.  I was fearful, and cautious in my hope.  But it grew- the baby within me and the hope in my heart.  And now both have been taken away.  It seems cruel.

I know better.  God is not cruel.  I know the truth of who He is but I am struggling to hold onto it.

When the bleeding started this time, one of my first thoughts was at least I have Mark, I have our five children; I still have them.  That is an honest peek into my soul that should have simply rested in the fact that I have Jesus.  HE is my portion.  My hope is built upon HIM.  Not on anything or anyone else.

I've been listening to this song on repeat:

My hope is built on nothing less than
Jesus' blood and righteousness
I dare not trust the sweetest frame
but wholly trust in Jesus' Name

Christ alone, Cornerstone,
weak made strong, in the Saviors love
through the storm He is Lord, Lord of all

When darkness seems to hide His face
I rest on His unchanging grace
In every high and stormy gale 
my anchor holds within the veil

and this song, too:

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown, where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep, my faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours, and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed, and You won't start now

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

* * *