The Four Stages: Revisited

Awhile ago I shared that Mark and I are in this stage of communication: 

Stage 4: Talk to your husband?! What is that?  Because there are all these other little people talking or interrupting CONSTANTLY.  You can't even *think*, let alone have a conversation. 

From the sounds of it, a lot of you are there, too.

It has been a challenge for us to try to figure out ways to maintain a good level of communication-- which I would define as: uninterrupted time to talk; the opportunity to share on a deeper level than just the daily conversations surrounding the management of the house and kids.

Just so you know, we're not experts by any means.  We are smack dab in the middle of this stage, struggling to figure it out ourselves.  I do feel so blessed to have witnessed solid, faithful, decades-and-decades-long marriages in two sets of grandparents and in my mom and step-dad.  I have also seen the devastation of divorce- years ago- with my mom and biological dad.  I  know that my parents' divorce has shaped me and has made me even more purposeful and protective of my own marriage.

Here are two reasons I think this communication-thing is so important:

1) Titus 2 talks about how the older women are to train the younger women (that would be me) to love their husbands.  I can't love my husband very well if we're not communicating; if I don't know him, if I'm not working to strengthen and nurture our relationship.  It's my responsibility as a wife to do so.

2) The enemy prowls around, like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.  His goal is to kill, steal and destroy.  I see so clearly that he is working to destroy Christian marriages, and while that should not make us fearful (because greater is HE who is in us than he who is in the world!), I think we need to recognize that there's a spiritual battle going on over our marriages, and we have a responsibility to be prayerful and vigilant. 

It's always my goal that our marriage is thriving, not just getting by.  Now for some practical stuff:

I think a key to thriving in your marriage is prayer.  Pray for your spouse*, pray with your spouse, pray over your struggles, pray for the strength of your marriage, just pray already!  So many times in our marriage, God has answered specific prayers and I can look back and see His faithful hand in our relationship.  He is good, and He desires good things for my marriage and for yours.

The main thing I recognized that needed changing in our home in regards to our communication troubles was this: the constant interruptions from our kids.  As a mother, our time is very rarely our own.  Throughout the day, we are continually being interrupted by our kids- for a drink here, a snack there, a diaper change over here, a squabble that needs sorting there, a heart that needs mending, a hug, a word, an instruction, a prayer, a meal.  You name it: as mothers we are on call, all hours of the day.  But when Mark comes home, I need to mentally shift from being available to the kids to being available to him.  That's a difficult thing when all day long your focus is the kids.  That doesn't mean that I'm no longer available to them- but it does mean they may just need to wait.

What that means for us is that when Mark comes home from work, we make an effort to sit together or work alongside each other to talk about our days.  {This is often a time when I'll say- "Okay- everyone outside for 20 minutes!"}  When the kids run in- and they do!  numerous times!- to say this or that, we are learning to tell them to wait; to not interrupt, to please let daddy and mommy talk for a few minutes.  I think it's important for our kids to see, too- that we are loving and honoring one another that way.  And for us, taking that initial time together to cover the basics opens up our evening time to get to more quality conversation.

[One other thought I'm going to tuck in here, and that is to encourage your husband.  Compliment him, tell him every single day how thankful you are for him, for his hard work, for his provision for your family.  Speak well of him to your children and to others.  Tell him you love him, and show him with service and thoughtfulness and kindness and affection.  Greet him warmly at the door, give him a hug and tell him you've missed him.  Okay- that could be a whole other post entirely, but that's all I'll say now.]

The other thing we are always trying to be more diligent at is having planned at-home date nights.  (If you have a sitter and can afford it, by all means: get out of the house!- but if you're like us: just plan dates at home.)  I emphasized the word planned because it makes all the difference for us.  When there is a regular night set aside for that- written on the calendar, anticipated and assigned (either Mark or I in charge of the plan for the evening)- we have far greater success at those date nights actually taking place.  Or- at least they're not a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants  "Oh yeah!  It's date night.  What are we doing?  Who was supposed to plan tonight?" kind of an evening.  If I know it's my night, I am far more intentional and thoughtful about what we'll do and what we can talk about.

One more thing: because we rarely have an opportunity to get away, Mark and I try to go away for even one or two nights once or twice a year.  This has become eagerly anticipated by both of us.

I'm counting on your inspiring ideas in the comments of this post, too!

*Here's a link to the list I posted in 2006: Praying for my husband.