Attachment Struggles with an Adopted Child

Throughout November we're discussing adoption and foster care. Here is what we've covered so far:
Intro to This Month's Adoption Focus
God's Heart for the Orphan
God's Heart for the Orphan: Our Response
Fears About Adoption and Fostering

* * *

Many of you have expressed concerns about bonding/attachment with an adopted child, and I would be remiss not to write about it, but this is by far the topic I feel the least qualified to be writing about. Wow. I'm going to tackle it, here, to the best of my ability and understanding.

I think all adopted children have attachment issues on some level. This is my general understanding, from what I've read. When the attachment/bond between a child and his/her birth mother is broken-- at any age-- it wreaks havoc on a child. It's as if they know, inherently- that they've been rejected, in a sense, by the one person who should love them the most-- and it affects them deeply. That hurt is processed and expressed differently, depending on the child. While we have not experienced this with Adelia on any level to date, this is something have experienced with Isaias.

Isaias, 9 months old~ Guatemala City

I don't want to go into the specifics of our experience with our son here on the blog- but I will say that it has been very difficult at times. Those who know us well can attest to that. I have made many, many mistakes-- mainly by reacting to him in anger, oh-so-often, and by being cold and distant to him in response to his lack of affection to me. I believe I could write an entire book on how not to parent, dear readers. I am thankful that God has used this experience to humble me (don't ever pray for humility unless you want God to truly stretch you!), and to teach me so much along the way.

God is ever faithful, and Mark and I have seen changes in our Isaias, and God has answered many prayers. When we look back at some of the issues that were going on a couple years ago, many of those are not even present anymore. And those that are are much less frequent. We can genuinely see fruit in him and in our relationship with him. I have no idea what we'll face in the future with him or with Adelia, but I rest in God's faithful instruction to us as we parent.

Here are a few things I am learning in the midst of this:

I must cling to God's Word

When things seemed hopeless, I just held onto the truth of God's Word. I hung onto this one, especially:

Do not call to mind the former things,
Or ponder things of the past.
"Behold, I will do something new,
Now it will spring forth;
Will you not be aware of it?
I will even make a roadway in the wilderness,
rivers in the desert.

(Isaiah 43: 18-19, NAS)

I'm ashamed to admit how often I dwelt on the difficulty of our interactions. (More on that in a minute.) But here God is, saying, "Do not call it to mind; do not ponder those things... I'm going to do something NEW." So I just hoped and trusted that this was true; that God *would* do something new in our son and in our relationship with him; that He would make a roadway in the wilderness; rivers in the desert.

I must take captive every thought (to make it obedient to Christ)~ 2 Corinthians 10:5

Due to the nature of our struggles, and in comparison to the relative ease it has been to parent our biological children, it was easy for me to view Isaias as The Problem, and become frustrated at him (outwardly or inwardly) because of it. I had to purposefully, actively choose to think otherwise. One of the ways I have done this is to write down all the whatevers I can think up about him. By "whatevers" I mean this verse from Philippians:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

So I would just write them down in my journal, everything he did that was praiseworthy that day or week. Even if I could only think of one thing, I wrote it down.

The first part of that verse says "whatever is true... think about such things". This is another thing I did (and still do. I did this just today in my journal!) I will sit down and just write out truths; what I *know*. This was especially important for me to do when I found myself sinking into this line of thinking: "I can't do this... I don't want to do this... I cannot muster up _____ (love/patience/kindness, etc.) for this child today." And then I get to thinking of all the ways that I have screwed up, culminating in the fear that this broken little boy came to us and I have just done him the disservice- through my own sin- of making that hurt in him so very much bigger than it was when he arrived. I recognize that those are lies of the enemy. But I *know* better (even if I don't always feel it) because of the truth. So I list truths:

• You chose Isaias for our family.
• You chose *me* to be Isaias' mama.
• You know what Isaias needs, even when I do not.
• You are my Helper.
• I can do all things in *Your* strength.

Things like that.

I must be prayerful

John 10:10 says "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." We know this about Satan: he wants to steal, kill and destroy. But Jesus came that we might have life, and life abundant!

So we have prayed over areas of Isaias' life that we see Satan wanting to steal, kill and destroy: (love, affection, acceptance, worth, trust, security, etc).

And we have prayed- often- for wisdom for us as parents; that God would grant us wisdom beyond our years; that His Spirit would guide us in every situation we face with *each* of our children.

Finally, I often think of this passage of Scripture, from Isaiah 61, because I think it encapsulates what our adopted children need from us, as extensions of God's great love for them. Here's my own little paraphrase of the above linked-to actual Scripture:
He has anointed us, as adoptive parents,
to preach good news to the poor (our adopted children),
to bind up their broken hearts,
to proclaim freedom for them...
to comfort them when they mourn,
to provide for them when they grieve,
to bestow upon them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
They *will* be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.

I feel convicted all over again as I read that anew. Please understand that we are so far from having it all together. I am so, so thankful that our children belong to Him. He is working in their hearts and we, as parents, are just coming alongside of the Holy Spirit's work in them. It is not up to us; it is up to Him. He alone has the power to bring healing and restoration to our adopted children. As for us, I am thankful that His mercies are new every morning.