When Your Husband Doesn't Want to Adopt


Being an adoptive mother- especially one with children who do not resemble me- has made me a sort of magnet for people everywhere who want to talk about adoption. If we're in a public place, I usually get asked about our adoptive children -at least once!- and almost *always* it is from another mother.

Conversations often begin like this:

"
He (or she) is so cute."

(me) "Thank you. We think so, too!"

"
Is he adopted?"

(me) "Yes." (insert a few details about when we adopted and where we adopted from...)

"
I've always wanted to adopt... but my husband is just not there yet." (said a bit wistfully)

I have also received several emails from women saying they would love to adopt, but their husbands didn't want to for any number of reasons. It's a common story, it seems. I have often pondered how to respond to those emails. I don't even know that I have a place to speak to that scenario, because it has not been my own story. Mark and I have always shared the desire to adopt. (Fostering came a bit later, but it fit right into our longing to meet the needs of the orphans.) I've never been in your shoes, then, if you carry that desire to adopt or foster but your husband does not share it.

It has weighed heavily on my heart, though, this whole idea. I asked God, "What is it, Lord? Why the hesitancy on the part of so many men? What can I say to these women? Am I even in a place where I can speak to this at all?" A couple of things came to mind, and I would like to share them with you:

~PRAY. This one should be obvious. God moves mightily when we pray. Ask God to expand your husband's heart for the orphans. Ask God to give you wisdom in speaking with him about it. Ask Him to put people into your husband's life who have adopted. Ask Him to bring it up in all manner of ways~ a sermon at church, a tidbit on the radio, a sign, a program on television, a song, whatever.

~Share/talk enthusiastically about it. I want to clarify this. I do not mean that you should continually come before your husband with an agenda or an appeal, as in What-can-I-say-today-that-will-make-him-change-his-mind? You will not change his mind or heart on the matter. God will. God may use you to do so, but that is God's work, and it is not for you to fret about. So stop carrying that burden already. I'm thinking more along the lines of a passion in your own heart that can become contagious. (My husband loves football, I used to detest football. Gradually, I have learned to appreciate the game and have truly become an enthusiastic football fan~ all because Mark loves it and it is something he cares about.) All that to say that in marriage, it is difficult not to begin to care about the things that have hold of the others heart. So if you have a heart for the orphans, share it. If you read a book or article about adoption that particularly grips you, share it. If you are moved to tears by an adoption story, share it. Maybe your passion will become contagious. Maybe, eventually- your husband will be the one who reads an article on adoption to you. Maybe one day you'll find that his heart has joined yours on the matter.

~Get to know someone who is or has adopted/fostered. I think this is a big one. Sometimes the whole idea of foster care or adoption just seems so big. So expensive, so complicated, so... daunting. Then you run across someone who has done it, who is doing it, and it suddenly seems less big. My encouragement is that if you know a family that has adopted or fostered, befriend them. Ask them their story. I assure you, they'll be happy to talk about it.

~Do something.
Maybe your husband isn't ready to take the plunge into the world of foster care or adoption, but that doesn't negate our responsibility as believers to do something about the plight of the orphans. Maybe you can sponsor a child through Compassion. And if you do, really dive into it. Pray regularly for your sponsored child, and send letters! Do you know someone who is adopting? What can your family do to help them out financially? When we were adopting Isaias, several family members and friends helped us financially. Two friends from college who I barely even had contact with anymore had a garage sale and donated all the proceeds to us. Before they sent us the money, one of their husbands asked his work if they would match the amount they'd raised, and his company did. So we received double the money they'd earned at that garage sale! Could your family have a garage sale or set aside a certain amount of money in order to help a family that is adopting? Could you commit to pray for them? When Mark and I were married, another married couple in our church family gave us the gift of their prayers for one year. They wrote in their card to us that they would pray for us every day for the first year of our marriage. What a gift! What a gift it would be to an adoptive family you know for you to commit to pray for them like that. Could you verbally encourage an adoptive family in your church? When we shared at our church that we were adopting from Guatemala, a women at our church came up to me after the service and encouraged me with an affirmation from the Bible and a promise to pray for us. I have treasured her words to me~ many times since.

* * *

I would love to hear your stories on this topic. Perhaps there are some of you who are or were in this place with your husbands. What has helped and what has not? How have you seen God work in your husband's heart?





38 comments:

  1. Great post. You offer really good tips on what to do, I think. This whole subject really did need to be addressed. I just wish that I had a platform where I could speak man-to-man to all those husbands out there who are dragging their feet...

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    1. Mark, Do you have an adoptive child? My husband isnt on the same page as me about adoption.... but he HAS agreed to speak to another father who HAS adopted and hear his story.... I'm just having trouble finding someone.

      -Brandy
      BrandyLeePhotography@aol.com

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    2. Mark, I'd really appreciate it if you could speak with my husband as well, you know "man-to-man." :)

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  2. Patience, Patience, Patience. That's what I learned. We have been married 13 years and I've been mentioning adopting that whole time. I finally stopped mentioning it and just asked him to pray about it. I knew that if God was truly calling our family to this, He would change his heart. My nagging would not. :) Turns out, God was changing both our hearts. We are beginning the process to become foster parents in Jan 2011. I had been set on adopting, and while we still may adopt through the fostering process, we feel that for now, God is calling us to foster. God works in His time table....all the while He taught me patience :)
    Emily

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  3. Mark~
    I love you!

    Emily~
    Yes! That's so good, Emily! I love it that you said God was changing your heart, too- in teaching you patience. :) And bless you both on your fostering journey!

    ~Stacy

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  4. Stacy and Mark,
    Thanks for your words on this one. I think all of your advice is right on and it's actually fun when we LET God do the work and we can see it happening. :)

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  5. Thanks, Colleen. And to let God do the work and get to sit back and watch? YES!

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  6. Stacy...these were great words. I lived this with Bryan who was not interested in adoption at all. I was resigned to it, but actually okay with it. All was quiet on the homefront, with a decision not to move forward with anything made....we thought it was quiet...it turned out God grabbed hold of Bryan's heart and started the change. Exactly how you mentioned, a pastor with adoption experience, articles, Bible-reading,...just how HE works. Then He had to work on me...who had developed a bit of a hard heart when realizing Bryan had changed his mind, after all, we had already decided! God is good...and make no mistake. He will move the immovable, grab the unreachable and flip the unchangeable. He is amazing. ~ Cousin Sandi

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  7. My heart is breaking. My husband and I have had two precious little boys in our home since October 2009. I don't have childrern of my own, but my husband's son lives with us. We are in a situation where we can begin the adoption process, but my husband has told me he doesn't want to adopt. One reason, he says, is that he doesn't want to take away from his son. His son is fourteen. I feel my husband is being very selfish. These two young boys have grown to love us, and they consider us Mom and Dad. They are so young, and I really feel like this is God's plan. The way in which we got them was only an act of God. Thank you for your advice. I am at the place where I feel like I will divorce him and raise the children on my own. I know this is not the best scenario, but it beats the children going into foster care. My heart breaks that my husband can't see the bond and attachment I have for the boys. I have given so much of myself to his son over the years, I would think he would want me to be happy and have children of my own.

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  8. Dear Anonymous,

    Thank you for sharing so openly. I can tell from your comment that you are deeply hurting. I wish I could hug you in person and pray for you. Certainly these boys are precious to you: you have been their mama, and I can tell that you love them very, very much.

    I promise to pray for you and your family.

    I'd like to respond to these words of yours in particular: "I feel like I will divorce him and raise the children on my own." Please, oh please, do not divorce your husband. I say this first and foremost because of God's view of divorce (see Malachi 2:16, 1 Corin. 7:10, 1 Corin. 7:27). But I also say it because my parents got a divorce when I was a young girl and it was a terrible thing, and I am affected to.this.day by their divorce.

    I know that it may seem to you like this is the only way you can have these boys, but I assure you, it is not God's way. He can make a way that does not involve divorce. Seek Him. Pray~ not only for these sweet boys, but for your husband. Pray that God will soften his heart towards these boys, and that he would want to be their daddy and adopt them. Be patient with him, and ask and trust God to change his heart. If it is God's will that you adopt these boys, God will make a way for it to happen. NOTHING is impossible with God.

    ~Stacy

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  9. I know this page is old, but can you please pray for my husbands heart? A.

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  10. Anonymous~
    YES, I will. (((hugs)))

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  11. can you pray for my husband's heart too? This post really encouraged me. Just today I felt on the verge of giving up on asking God to change his heart. I feel a distinct calling toward adoption, and my husband was excited at first, but his mom and dad began voicing their fears and I feel like that has influenced his feelings about it. I broke down this morning and told the Lord to either change my husbands heart or take this deep desire from my heart. Your prayers would be really appreciated!

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    1. I could of wrote this exactly except for the "excited at first" part. It has been 6+ yrs since the strong desire to foster/adopt started. I am growing so weary and am pleading with God to take it away and it has not. My husband's heart has not changed. I am desperate for answers. Please pray.

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  12. Yes. I will pray.
    Love to you and yours...
    ~Stacy

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  13. Please pray for my husband's heart as well. I've been burdened with feeling the desire to adopt for many years. He does not feel the same. My heart us breaking :(

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  14. Yes. Praying for your husband, too~ and for you.

    Just thinking these past few days about you sweet women and I just wanted to say that God has placed our husbands as the heads of our homes~ and that if your husband is not wanting to adopt, then that is not God's desire for you right now. You can truly rest in that. When and if God wants it otherwise, He will change his heart and move you (as a couple) in that direction. Rest in your husband's leadership because God gave him that role. And-- I pray that this would not be an issue that would divide your marriages. Trust God, trust your husband, and continue to love and respect him. (((Hugs to you))) I am happy to "talk" (via email!) with any of you further about this if you'd like... my email is in the sidebar.

    Love and prayers,
    ~Stacy

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    1. I am very much struggling with the respect part. I feel my husband is selfish and not hearing from the LORD. I am having a hard time not being bitter and resentful towards him because if he wanted something for SO long I would consider/pray about it and not stop. I don't talk to him about it any more because it does no good. I don't want it to effect my marriage, but it does.

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  15. Please pray for my husband's heart as well. My heart is breaking. We have been trying to become parents for over 9 years now. I have done fertility treatments and we been through a lot of pain and heartache over the years. My husband told me today that he is exhausted from focusing on this dream. I feel that God has not released me/us from the dream of becoming parents and believe God is calling us to explore adoption, but my husband does not feel the same. He wants to be done with living in the "what if" land. I ask for prayers of peace, comfort, and God to heal us both. Thank you VERY much.

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    1. Praying. Praying that you might rest under your husband's leadership and that God would grow your hope... and that He would bless you with a child.

      ((hugs))

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  16. I love this article! Everything you said in it is true. I have always wanted to adopt from the time I was a little girl and my husband was against it at first, but when I did all the things above that you mentioned, I backed off pressuring him and just prayed (man is that a weight off your shoulders when you put in in God's hands!. We got to know closely a foster/ adoptive couple that have become good friends when he saw it wasn't so scary it lightened him up, and for Mother's Day this year he got me a boy from Compassion that we're sponsoring now. I think he thought that would placate me for a while on the adoption thing, but it didn't'! I just want to bring that little boy home now, course I can't because he has loving parents of his own in the Phillipians. He finally does want to adopt now but not until our four children get much older, which I don't quite understand. And to make it worse I just started volunteering at an orphanage(can you believe they still exist in the US?) and found the perfect boy. I can't stop thinking about him, the good part is that my hubby has agreed to go volunteer with me, so hopefully I can gently introduce him to this child and see the Lord work on his heart. Exciting! One thing I also wanted to say is that I completely agree with Stacey's comment on the fact that if your husband doesn't' want to adopt yet then you need to realize that he is the head of your family and when God calls him to then it's the right time, not before. If you push him before God calls him then he will be angry and scared. It happened to us years back and only then did I realize to let the Holy Spirit do his work and to quite trying to do it for Him. Just PRAY. It's the only thing you can do while you wait, and God DOES listen!!!!

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    1. Thank you for sharing your story here, Deanna! What a wonderful example of trusting in God and praying!

      Blessings to you and yours,
      ~Stacy

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  17. I know this is an old post, but I have always wanted to foster and adopt and my husband of 13 years just keeps saying no. We have three children of our own and God has been tugging on my heart even more recently that this is something we need to do. My husband is adamant that he does not want any more children and I am heartbroken. I've always heard from women that when you're family is complete you will know it and I know our family is not complete. I have been praying for a long time for my husbands heart or my heart to be changed, even though I don't think He would change my heart on something the Bible clearly instructs us to do. I'm not sure what to do and I feel helpless. My husband has never been a spiritual leader in our household although I have prayed for that as well so I don't know that he is ever going to get the tugging at his heart from God about fostering and adoption. I need guidance and prayer on what I should do. Thank you!

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    1. Thank you for commenting. I just want you to know that I received your comment and want to be prayerful before I respond. I will do so and then reply to your heartfelt comment. Blessings,
      ~Stacy

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    2. (Part 1 of 2)

      Dear Anonymous,

      Thank you for taking the time to read and comment here. I so wish we could sit down over coffee and I could hear your heart and pray for you, but that is not the medium we have (unless you live near me in the Pacific Northwest!), so I welcome this form of communication. I do want to encourage you to find someone (your pastor's wife, perhaps, or a trusted friend or mentor) that you can share with, in person, who could pray for you and with you long-term. God so often uses others to encourage us and stand with us in difficult times and I want that for you!

      I'll get to the adoption part in a moment, but I want to touch on something else first. And I'm going to be direct, and am praying that the Holy Spirit will lead my fingers as I type.

      You say "my husband has never been a spiritual leader in our household", but I want to gently point out that your husband already IS the spiritual leader in your home. God has assigned him as such. I do understand you. I have felt the very same thing at times: that my husband isn't a strong typical leader: for instance, he doesn't lead our family in nightly devotions or initiate prayer times very often or other things I may have wished for over the years. BUT. He is my husband and God is clear that he is the head of our family and I am to treat him as such.

      So although your husband may not be what or all you think he ought to be, remember that God has chosen him as the leader in your home, and our instructions as wives are to submit to that leadership (Col. 3:18, Eph 5:22-23). [The exception being, of course, if there is abuse within your relationship.]

      One other note: I think this is especially challenging if you know or hear of other husbands that ARE leading in a way that we might point to as a strong spiritual leader, and you make comparisons and find your own husband lacking. (Oh, that we would not compare and would be grateful for the man God has given us!)

      So my first encouragement to you is to accept your husband as your spiritual leader in the household, to trust that God has given *this man* to you, for you and your children, and God knows what He's doing. And to thank God for him, and find things to be grateful for in your marriage and man. :)

      ---

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    3. Part 2 of 2

      Regarding adoption, while the Bible IS clear about our role as wives, the Bible does NOT say that every single family must be an adoptive family. (We are instructed to "look after" and "defend" the orphan, but not necessarily to adopt.)

      So, I would plead with you not to allow this to become a point of friction in your marriage, and not to let your heart become embittered toward your husband because he does not desire this. If God truly has adoption written into your story, He is able to make that happen within your family. Nothing is impossible for Him. He can change your husband's heart.

      But I think there is the danger, here, of you becoming discontent because of this matter, and that is not what God desires. I think my gentle encouragement to you would be to lay down this desire of yours at the feet of Jesus. He knows your heart, He knows your desires. And we do not know what He will do with them. I cannot promise that you will be an adoptive mama some day. You may never be. [I say this with much love and understanding, because my own desire is to become pregnant again, and I do not know what God will do with that desire of mine. But I have to surrender that to the Lord and TRUST Him with the outcome.]

      And in the meantime, press into Jesus. Read the Bible, study, pray, surround yourself with women who love Jesus, and keep on trusting Him. Trust that He is a good Father and you are his beloved child and He knows what is best for us, because He can see all that we cannot see. (Perhaps having an adopted child would bring trauma to your biological children, and God knows that and is protecting them by saying no through your husband. Perhaps the timing is just not now; maybe God does indeed have a child for you but the child He has chosen for you is not yet ready.) He is sovereign. We can trust that He knows what we do not, He sees what we cannot, and He loves us. We can trust His deep love for us. So remind yourself of those truths and carry on, loving Jesus, loving and encouraging your husband, praying for him and your children, training your children to love Jesus, taking care of your home. Those are things you can do as you wait and trust God with the outcome.

      I welcome any further discussion with you on this, and you can email me at any time, too, by clicking on the "I would love to hear from you" on my sidebar.

      Much love to you, dear sister.
      ~Stacy

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    4. Hi my husband is not for adoption and I am. we have been fostering twin boys for the last 7 months they are 11 months now and I have bonded with them completely. Now we have the chance to adopt but my husband doesn't want to, he says that they're tearing our family apart and he hates to hear their cries. he's very impatient and loves to be alone doing his own things on his own time. He gets angry very easily and has told me he has thought about leaving to our rent house and leaving me here with the kids. I have 3 kids of my own, 3 girls and I would love to adopt twin boys. And another thing, these boys are related to us which makes it even more special but he doesn't see it that way. He sees it as being frustrated and annoyed with them. Please help I don't know what to do thanks, Denise

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    5. Dear Denise,
      I am so sorry you are hurting. It must be so hard for you to be bonded to these sweet boys and to feel that your husband is unsupportive.
      Do you know and follow Jesus Christ? If you do, the Bible is clear that you need to honor your husband.
      Perhaps God gave you these boys for a sweet season of loving them and fostering them to prepare them for their forever family, as hard as that may be for you to accept. And as much as your heart may long to adopt these boys, if your husband's heart is not in this, that is not the best for these boys, right? They need a daddy who will love them and want them. So the best thing you can do for them could be for you to let them go and to trust God with their lives and their futures.
      I will be praying for your situation, Denise, and for these boys, and for your marriage.
      Blessings to you and yours,
      ~Stacy

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    6. I want to thank you Stacy for Your advice. My husband grew up in church and believes in Christ, just kinda fell back and stopped following. Your advice really touched my heart and made sense, I had a really long heartbreaking talk with my husband and told him I was willing to give the twins back due to honoring him and his wishes. As I was telling him about my decision I made sure I mentioned that the boys are a blessing and deserve nothing but the best family who will love them. shortly after he told me wait off on telling them we would give the twins back, he wants to see how things will go with a different and positive attitude towards the boys. And let me say that I can really see a difference with his patience, he has lightened up quite a bit! I've been praying for God to remove the negativity and warm my husbands heart towards the boys, And God answered!😃 I know we're still in progress but it's a start and I'm excited to restart this journey! Thank you!☺

      Denise

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    7. Oh, Denise, that is wonderful news! Praise God. Keep seeking Him and honoring your man. I'm so proud of you and hope for continued unity and growth!
      ~Stacy

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    8. Yes, Praise God!!! To God I give all the honor and Glory, he is worthy of every praise!!! I pray that my testimony will help you all looking to adopt. Never give up! Cast out all the doubt and unbelief because Gods Grace covers us all, we need to stop worrying and give our worries to him, only he knows what lies ahead. Prayer is the key to unlock it all. May God bless you all, for your hearts are in the right place. I thank God for leading me to stacys words of encouragement. Thank you Stacy for everything, may God bless you abundantly, as you bless us all who seek God's words of encouragement through your knowledge and wisdom.☺
      Denise

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  18. This site gives me such encouragement. I am really hurting right now because my husband does not want our biological children due to a disease that I have, but he also is not open to adoption because of culture reasons and his parents don't accept it. He has now said that divorce may be our next option because he cannot see himself in a childless marriage. Please pray for us I don't know what to do.

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    1. Oh, sweet you. I am so sorry that you are hurting right now. And that your marriage is struggling, too- because of this issue. I hope that you believe in Jesus and that you are able to find comfort and hope in God in the midst of this time of struggle. I'm just going to pray for you right now. (I wish I knew your name but I will just refer to you in my prayer as "A", for anonymous, okay?)

      Dear God, I pray for dear A who is hurting. I thank You that You are Great and that NOTHING is impossible with You! I thank You that You have the power to transform hearts. I pray for this marriage; that You would strengthen their marriage and solidify their bond- even without children. I pray for healing and restoration for the pain that is present in their marriage. I ask , God, that You would draw them first toward Yourself and secondly toward one another. I know that it is only through You that we are able to love one another sacrificially and put another above ourselves, and I ask that You would grow each of these dear people- A and her husband- in YOU; that they might grow together in their faith and belong to a community of believers that might encourage them. I pray that the whole idea of divorce would be taken off the table. I ask that You would give A the strength and fortitude to love and bless and serve her husband even though there is hurt and heartache. I ask that You would guide them in any decisions- whether that be biological children, adopted children, or none; I pray for patience for each of them as they wait to see what You will do. I ask that You would give them unity together and that You would bless them and pour Your favor upon them. Amen.

      Blessings to you, dear A.
      Thank you for taking the time to comment.
      ~Stacy

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    2. I too, like all the other women posting here want to adopt, but my husband talks about it in terms of 'if' which is not a yes .. yet (and may never be a yes). I have prayed about it a lot and felt very strongly that God will give me his answers through my husband. My husband is a non-believer, but I still feel that God is saying that he will provide his answers this way, because for adoption to work my husband has to be 100%. I know that God will be saying 'yes' when my husband says 'yes', until then its a wait, a may be, and if husband decides no - its a no. I pray a lot about it, when I feel that it is going no where I pray that God will open a channel for discussion or a message via my husband as to where we are now. Within a few days some direction usually comes up, where I know God is saying (at the moment at least) - 'still hang in there, all in good time - and remember that's my time not yours!'. I also pray for our adopted little one, that God keeps them safe and well. I may never get to hold that little one - that depends on God, but they need all the prayers they can get so I figure, why not! I just have to keep remembering that God's time is not necessary my time, and that life has to be what you do with it, not what you hope to do with it. Otherwise some other amazing things could be passing you by that God intended for you because your focus is only on adoption.

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    3. Anonymous,
      Thank you for you comment. You are a wise woman. Blessings to you for so graciously surrendering to God's will and timing.

      (((hugs)))
      ~Stacy

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  19. Thank you for your words of wisdom. I am praying that my husband will be willing to adopt again. We have adopted one beautiful girl and she is the light of our lives. The process was tough on us but I think so worth it. Praying for all of you on your journey as well.
    ~Leah

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  20. What if your husband does not believe in God or care for religon at all. I have a hard time accepting this as God's will. I too want to adopt/foster, but my husband is dead set against it. And it is for selfish reasons. He wants to be able to sleep at night without worring about children. I don't know. This is really tearing us apart. I keep feeling as if I am being forced to give up something I have a calling to do.

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    1. Dear Anonymous,

      Thank you for commenting. If your husband is an unbeliever, than my encouragement to you is to PRAY for his salvation. Only God has the power to transform his heart and his heart will remain selfish until God has impacted him.

      I think it's probably best to set aside- at least for now- your desire to adopt/foster, and to focus on your relationship with Jesus and pray for His. Jesus is enough to fill all our emptiness and aching. My hope for you is that you're reading your Bible and involved in a good church, and that you have supportive friends or family that can pray for your husband's salvation with you!

      Here are some verses you can pray for your husband, taken from this Family Life article: (http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/marriage/challenges/spiritually-mismatched/10-ideas-prayers-for-an-unbelieving-spouse). You can insert your husband's name where you see the blanks.

      1. “Lord, may Your wise and knowing Spirit rest on _______. Be _______’s counselor. May _______ delight in You and obey Your commands. Convict _______ of sin, the righteousness of Jesus Christ, and of the coming judgment.” (Isaiah 11:2-3)

      2. “God, You will fulfill the purpose in each of our lives. Your love endures forever—do not abandon the works of Your hands. Do not abandon _______. Draw him to You.” (Psalm 138:8)

      3. “Bring _______ to the end of himself and into a living, vital, intimate, overpowering relationship with Jesus Christ. Open his eyes that he may see wonderful things in Your law.” (Psalm 119:18)

      4. “Your hands made _______ and formed him; give _______ understanding to learn Your commands.” (Psalm 119:73)

      5. “Bless _______. Your Word says that Your kindness leads to repentance. Don’t allow _______ to continue to store up wrath for himself.” (Romans 2:4-6)

      6. “_______’s heart is in Your hand; You direct it like a watercourse where You please. I can trust You.” (Proverbs 21:1)

      7. “Give _______ singleness of heart and action so that he will always fear You for his own good and the good of our children.” (Jeremiah 32:39)

      8. “Instruct _______ and teach him in the way he should go. Counsel _______ and watch over him. Your unfailing love surrounds the one who trusts in You.” (Psalm 32:8, 10)

      9. “Help _______ to humble himself under Your mighty hand, that You may lift him up in due time.” (1 Peter 5:6)

      10. “I pray a hedge of thorns around _______, that those with wrong influence will lose interest and leave him alone. I pray this in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the power of His blood.” (Hosea 2:6)

      Many, many blessings to you, dear one.
      ~Stacy

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