Grateful: Monday, March 7

I've had a rough couple of weeks. Audra has been sick, I have been sick, and Adelia has been sick. We've all been getting very little sleep, what with all the middle-of-the-night wake-ups with the two little girls...

This morning was especially challenging. Adelia intentionally dumped her bowl of oatmeal on the floor, and I asked her to pick it up. Audra and I were at the sink, doing dishes-- my distraction for her unceasing "Hold you, mommy?" these days-- and it was working, this distraction. I was washing glasses and whispering prayers for wisdom of how to handle my defiant three-year old, who was hollering that she didn't want to pick up her oatmeal, because, of course-- who wants to do that?, and she proceeded to scream at me to express how very much she did not want to do that. I went over to her and gently but firmly told her that I wanted her to pick up the oatmeal, and she could take however long she wanted to, but she would be doing it. She continued screaming (and not picking up the oatmeal). I turned to ask Ella to do something, and she proceeded to tell me why she'd like to do that later, not now... and so I was explaining why it had to be done, now, please, when Audra grabbed a glass and it shattered in our sink. (Oh, and did I mention that Adelia was still screaming?) I snapped, and hollered at Ella and said something to the effect of, "If you would have just done what I asked you and not argued with me, this wouldn't have happened!" Ella burst into tears, feeling responsible, now, for the broken glass, and went to do the thing I'd asked her to do earlier. Audra was trying to pick up the glass (lovely), Adelia was still screaming, I had a headache and was near tears myself, and now I had wronged my sweet Ella, and had to make things right with her. Sigh. I couldn't even think straight with all the screaming we were all enduring, and we couldn't start school at the table until she was done with the oatmeal, which had not yet been touched and... arghh. I was fully overwhelmed.

Twenty minutes later I had cleaned up the glass, apologized to Ella, and Adelia had finally picked up the oatmeal off the floor (The screaming had stopped, and I sat with her and watched until she did what I'd asked; then helped her with the last few clumps.) Mark called and I briefly detailed our morning (which included some things with the boys that had ocurred before even these events) and told him, "I can't do this. I am failing. I am doing nothing right. I am critical, impatient and too quick to anger. I am so overwhelmed and feel like I am suffocating under the demands of these five kids." (Yes- I do tend to have a flair for the dramatic.)

When Ella was at the table doing her schoolwork and the boys were each doing their "buddy time" with the little girls, I retreated to my room to change our sheets and prayed for help, and tried to remind myself that I could do this, with God's strength, and that His mercies for me were great and that He was my Helper and then, I was reminded of this verse, from 1 Thessalonians: "Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

So, as soon as I was able, and with the help of a carefully timed video for the younger four kids, I grabbed my journal and pen and sat down to write down my thanks. Following are some snippets from my list:

1433... a double batch of lasagna sauce, simmering on the stove for dinner
1435... a plan for dinner
1437... warm, soapy water in the sink to wash glasses with
1438... a tight hug from Ella, after I said sorry to her
1439... the forgiveness of children- how quick they are to move on and *forget* the incident every even happened
1440... clean sheets on our bed
1441... our down comforter, freshly fluffed
1442... tissue for runny noses
1443... children who know how to blow those noses
1448... the patch of sunlight coming through the window, falling on the love seat... the very spot that I'm now sitting
1450... the grace You bestow on me, Lord, for all my sins

I know why He says to give thanks.

It is good for the soul, this.

Counting up those endless gifts...