The goodbye, Part 1

I've been putting this post off for a few days because of the fact that it makes my heart ache. It has been nearly a week since our foster baby left us. I have so many thoughts and emotions piling up that I barely know where to begin.

But I'll try.

It's been an unusual week, in that there has been great sorrow and great joy.

I am missing her, very much. When I see a picture of her my eyes fill up with tears. When I walk past the bouncy seat, pull on the sling, walk into the room she was sleeping in, I remember her. When I'm out and about in town, I pray that I'll see her. When my mom or a friend asks me about her, I burst into tears. When we arrived at small group on Thursday night and at church on Sunday, it felt like we'd forgotten something. She should be here with us. When Mark and I sat on the couch last night and talked, we spoke of her, and we both cried. As 9:00 am nears, on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays, I think: "This is when the social worker would be picking her up for her birthmom visit." And at 11:15 on those same days, my heart leaps and I think, "They'll be bringing her back any minute, now." But then I remember: She's not coming back at all.

That has been hard to swallow. She won't be back. She was in our lives for a season, a very short season, and that was it. When Mark and I were talking about this a couple of weeks ago, we were referring to this season with her as a chapter in our lives, and Mark said, "If this were a book I was reading, I'd wonder why the Author had included this chapter."

Why now, of all times, in our lives? Why this particular baby? Why just this one short month? Why does it all seem so unfinished, so untidy? We're still sorting it out. Especially me. Mark loved her and cared for her, but he is a logical man. When she was with us, he held with him the thought, "She's not my daughter." And that helped him. Me, on the other hand? I loved her and cared for her and truly saw her as one of my own children. So I feel a deep sense of loss that she's no longer with us.

~tears~

I'll delve into more of all that later but for now I'm going to give the play-by-play:

Tuesday was our first full day with Addie. Our foster baby was also with us. I wanted to keep her indefinitely, but our agency had been pretty clear from the beginning that we could do short-term interim foster care, but that when we got a placement, that "short-term child" would have to go. Mark was also concerned that it might be a little much for me, longer-term. So when I picked her up from her birthmom visit on Monday, I spoke with her social worker and told her that we would keep her until Thursday, which would have been the full 30 days they'd originally asked of us.

As I spoke with her social worker, I thought she'd be going back to her birthmom, as that was the original plan. But the social worker, taking in the news that the little girl we were going to be able to adopt was ready for us to pick up, said of our foster baby: "Well. She has no place to go. She can't go back to her mom, yet. They don't have a home.... I'll have to find another foster home for her."

I felt sick.

One of the things I'd prayed for since Day 1 was that she would be with us until she was able to go back to her birth mother. I wanted that for her. (For me, too.)

And now, this.

Anyway. A day later, it was Tuesday. Both babies were with us.

We didn't get much sleep the previous night, what with the two of them getting up at different intervals for feedings (it felt like we had twins!) Our day was full of visitors: family and friends, wanting to see Addie and congratulate us.

During one of those family visits, the phone rang. It was our foster daughter's social worker, and she said, "We found another home for Baby."

My heart sunk.

And then she said, "The new foster mom can't come and get her Thursday, but she can be there tomorrow morning after her scheduled visit with birthmom, so we'll do the transfer then."

I was silent, processing this.

And then, shakily: "So 9:00 tomorrow morning is the last time I'll see her?"

She said yes, and told me to gather all of her things and they'd pick her up in the morning.



[To be continued...]