One week from today is March 20th. And March 20th will be thirty days since our foster baby has been in our home.
Which means she'll be leaving us.
Last week I saw a baby laughing. I'd say the little boy was about seven months old. He was sitting up, giggling a wonderful, hearty laugh. And his mama, knowing just what made him laugh, did the thing again and again and again, just to hear her baby boy laugh.
I wept over it, later, standing before my kitchen sink.
Because I thought of this sweet baby God has placed with us for a season. I did not even know this little girl three weeks ago. When a harried social worker showed up at our home and set down an infant seat in the center of our living room, I peered in at a chubby baby girl and had no connection whatsoever. She was a baby who needed a place to stay; someone to care for her.
In just three short weeks I have bonded to this baby girl as if she were my own. I adore her. I love to watch her little face, to listen to her coo, to see her response to my questions or songs. I love watching her little personality unfold. She is most content in my arms, she smiles for me, she tries out her new little voice on me, she fusses when I step out of the room, she nestles close to me in the sling and sleeps securely. When a worker from the state called the other day and asked, "Who does she seem to have a connection with?", the answer was easy. Me. She has a connection with me.
She thinks I am her mama.
There are moments I forget that I am not. I have to bite my tongue to keep myself from saying things like, "Mama's coming, sweet girl."
So that day as I stood with my hands in the sudsy water, remembering that laughing older baby I'd seen, I grieved. "I want to be there when she reaches that stage. I want to be the one who knows what to do to bring out that sweet laughter. I don't want to miss that."
And my next thought had the tears really falling: "Just who will delight in her like this? Certainly not her young, hardened mother. Or her father, who is on drugs and spends his time in and out of jail. Who will cherish her and delight in her?"
And as I cried, God very clearly said to me:
"I will. I will delight over her.
I am her parent, and I delight over her."
I am holding onto that truth.
OK seriously-- tears here again. But through the tears... nodding in agreement with you. He, her Creator, will delight in her. He will guide and protect and keep her. I thought of a precious verse, Zephaniah 3:17...
ReplyDeleteThe Lord your God is in your midst,
A victorious warrior.
He will exult over you with joy,
He will be quiet in His love,
He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy.
And Isaiah 40:11...
Like a shepherd He will tend His flock,
In His arm He will gather the lambs,
And carry them in His bosom;
He will gently lead the nursing ewes.
And just think of the ministry you now have, for the rest of this little girl's life! For now you can pray for her, unceasingly. She will be so blessed to have the prayers of your sweet family, interceding on her behalf, her whole life long.
And-- how precious is she? Those cheeks! You must kiss them all the time.
Love you, dear Stacy! And as always, we're praying!!
Tears streaming here.
ReplyDeleteSaid so beautifully, full of heart.
Wow.
Thank you for sharing your experience with foster care with this "sweet girl". I am touched, I am blessed.
She also has YOU--praying and intercessing for her! Amen?
She is darling.
Oooh, this post made me cry too!! Thank you God for being her parent, thank you that you are watching over her, protecting her and delighting over her! Keep her safe in your arms as she goes back out into the uncertain world.
ReplyDeleteI don't cry easily....but you did it to me this time. I am so blessed by your tender heart toward this little sweet person and dependence on His truth to carry you through the sorrow.
ReplyDeleteOkay, you are making me cry! I have had some of the same type of thoughts lately. I don't want to let her go, even though she could still be here for a while. JUST last night I was praying beside her bed and God was saying the same thing to me. He impressed on me that I need to teach her this too. I need to just flood her with the fact that God will always be with her, even when she feels sad, alone or scared. I need to start preparing her to go home. To obey her mom because God says to, and that God is good, always, even when things look bad to us. I want her, but she isn't mine. She is HIS! I am so glad! He sovereignly gave her the mommy He did and wants her to love her mommy by obeying and praying for her. This baby is blessed to be with you for a time.
ReplyDeletePraying for you...a lot!
Hi Stacy :) He will! Trusting Him with you. Love and prayers, Q
ReplyDeleteYour heart must be torn in two over this precious little one. What a blessing this month has been with her, and our loving Father, who never slumbers or sleeps, will watch over her, and hear your prayers for her.
ReplyDeleteI made the Asian salad last night- it was super yummy. (But you've got to use the fresh ginger!) I took it to a potluck as I seem to like to try new recipes out on people! The recipe makes a HUGE batch, so beware!
Bless you!
Rebeca
Oh, girls... didn't mean to make you all teary. But I'm rather teary myself lately so that's probably why....
ReplyDeleteThank you for your encouragement and your prayers. :)
And Rebeca, I am SO jealous you already got to make that salad! Mmm! If you lived closer I'd stop by for a plate of it. :)
Love to you all-
~Stacy
Tears flowing. Heart aching. Yet confident that there is a purpose for this season. As in every happening, He knows what is best. The love you have given this baby girl will leave a mark on her life, forever.
ReplyDeleteBlessings, Lisa
Love you... I am saving your email for when I can write back a good, LONG email. Know I am thinking of you, praying for you, and loving you.
ReplyDeleteThis was incredible; beautifully written.
Stacy, my heart is aching with you. Just remember you have given this sweet little child such wonderful days while she has been with you.
ReplyDeleteYou feelings are exactly why my hubby and I could not choose foster care and why I admire those of you who can.
Yet again, you bring tears to my eyes as I read. You have such a tremndous heart for these babies. I pray for you.
ReplyDeleteOh Stacy!!!
ReplyDeleteI am glad the kiddos are napping as I read this because how could I explain the tears?
I too thought of the verse from Zephaniah. The Lord will rejoice over her with singing!!!
Your journey of late has convinced me to proceed with getting licensed to foster/adopt through the state. I have been feeling called in the last 8 months and the last 2 have solidified it.
Thank you for sharing your journey.
What a beautiful way you have chosen to look at the situation... He is so good to us... and His timing is always perfect.
ReplyDeleteBless you dear sister in Christ.
This is going to HURT my friend. It will sting and if you are like me it will hurt bad enough that you will be unable to breathe when you let yourself feel it. But you ask the question...who will delight in her? You Stacy...YOU...YOU will still delight in her and cherish her...YOU WILL. God will not be alone in it...If He wanted to be alone in cherishing her he would have left her where she was. He pulled you into her life for a reason. It is not for nothing...He would not have you hurt like this for nothing.
ReplyDeleteIt sucks for you not to have her in your arms but I believe with all my heart that she will know you are delighted with her. What you have given her and will continue to give her through your prayers will go with her. It can not be taken from her. There are things that moth and rust can not destroy and that is what you are giving to her...things that can not be stripped away. God pulled you in on this one and you are doing your part to store up in her the very things she needs. That is why God recruited YOU for this task!!
It will hurt like HELL (literally) but YOU CAN DO THIS!!
My love --
ReplyDeleteYou have loved this little girl so unconditionally and without reservation. I admire you for that and I am thankful for that. What an incredible gift you have given her -- a mother's love (and not just any mother, but the best mama in the whole wide world). While she may not remember you, the love that you have given her and the prayers that you have offered up for her will be with her the rest of her life.
I know you think I'm a little cold with this girl, but I'm not, I just haven't gone to the "as if she were my own" stage in my love for her. I don't know why; I think my time spent with her has been considerably less than yours since I'm at work and I am always mindful of the reality that she isn't my own. However, I was appalled to see that you didn't mention that she has a connection with ME as well. I definitely have a bond with her. I will be sad to see her go. I must admit that that sadness will be considerably less now that we have the anticipation of Addie.
Anyway, I love you and the way that you love. You are the best.
(((stacy)))
ReplyDeleteno words...just much love coming back towards you.
i am praying for you.
Stacy,
ReplyDeleteI don't even know who you are, but a friend sent me a link to your blog. Why?
Because I understand.
We starting fostering about a year ago. We've had four babies: Justasen for 2 months, Maleyah for a weekend, Kane for 1 month, and dear sweet Trenitee for 4 months.
I had no idea how I'd fall in love with each and every baby. Each and every one! In a matter of days I become this child's greatest cheerleader, watching her every move, listening for her cues, excited to see her cooing or rolling over for the first time.
And I had no idea that the parting would be so hard. (Yes, I was a bit naive!)
People say to me, "Oh, I could never do what you're doing. It would be too hard." The truth is, it is too hard. But I do it because I know this is what the Lord has for our family right now. There's huge blessing in that.
Saying goodbye to our last precious little baby, Trenitee, was especially difficult. I think because we got her at 10 days old. I was the only mom she knew, really. We're taking a little "break" now, just healing up emotionally so we can get ready to love on another little bundle. Not knowing how long we'll have each child is especially difficult for me, but oh, how I want to trust Him with that--with the timing, the child, our family, the pain.
One of the reasons why we wanted to do foster care was that we knew it would be stretching for us. And boy, it has stretched our faith! I sometimes think it's as much about that as it is about caring for a baby.
Keep posting about fostering. I'd love to hear more about how God walks with you down this path.
(Aren't we blessed to get to do this? :0)
Amy