He hears and He answers

There is a framed letter that hangs on the wall in our kids' room.  Mark wrote it one summer, years ago.  It was written during a period of time when we were trying to conceive.  Those years were filled with month after long month of disappointment, intermingled with hope and prayers.  And then grief and tears and such heartache. 

It was during that season that Mark wrote this letter.  It's a long letter-- two pages worth-- so I won't type the whole of it here, but here are a few excerpts: 

I miss you, our child.  We have both hoped and dreamed for you for so long.

I want to hold you in my arms.  To touch your little hands and have you wrap them around my fingers.  To tickle your toes.  To kiss your forehead.  I hope I am never stingy with affection towards you.  I want to always kiss you, hug you, tousle your hair and wrassle with you. 

Our dear, beloved child, do you know that you are loved even before you exist?  We love you because we have always wanted you and because we want to have the privilege of watching you grow up.  If we have this place in our hearts for you already, I can only imagine how much more  we will love you as you develop and grow.  

I will be so proud to be your daddy.  I will always protect you; you can rest assured of that .  I will try to teach you everything that I have learned in this life.  With my words and with a little discipline, I will try to help you avoid the sins of your father, and I will forgive you and comfort you when you struggle and stumble. I will always love you.  

I long to watch you grow up.  Who will you be?  What will you look like?  Will you be dark and beautiful like your mommy?  Will your eyes be brown like hers or blue like mine?  What will be your favorite game?  Will you like sweets like daddy or salty snacks like mommy ? What will your little voice sound like and what will it sound like when you're mad or upset?  Will you be reserved or outgoing?  Will you join in when daddy dances silly?  Will you enjoy helping mommy with whatever household tasks she has each day?  How old will you be when you start praying before our family meals?  Will you like to curl up on my lap for a Bible story after a bath and getting into pajamas?...

I would ask who you will be when you grow up: what job you will have, who you will marry, what the world will be like then, but I don't want to think about that right now, because that means that you will leave us, emptying this house that is too empty right now.  

***

Next week our Ella will turn six years old.   Six.  This morning I remembered this letter Mark wrote so many summers ago, and I sit here marveling at God's incredible graciousness to us.  

He hears and He answers.  Don't ever doubt it.  

I know there are some of you who are also struggling with infertility.  Or maybe there is a prayer you have offered up to Him over and over and over and over again, and He seems silent.  He hears and He answers.

I know this to be true, although even I need to be reminded of it.  All those questions Mark asked in that letter, those who will you be questions?  We know the answers.  God has given us six years with this precious girl.  Not to mention four years with our Isaac and nearly two with our Isaias.  I am positively overwhelmed with gratitude.  He heard and He answered.  He is so good.  

The Lord is faithful to all His promises

and loving toward all he has made. 

The Lord upholds all those who fall

and lifts up all who are bowed down. 

The eyes of all look to you, 

and you give them their food at the proper time.

You open your hand

and satisfy the desires of every living thing. 

The Lord is righteous in all his ways

and loving toward all he has made. 

The Lord is near to all who call upon him, 

to all who call on him in truth.

He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; 

he hears their cry and saves them. 

The Lord watches over all who love him.

Psalm 145:13-20