Two years ago today...

...we adopted this amazing girl!

{Adelia with Mark~ in court, the day her adoption was final}

{Adelia, two years later}

How thankful we are that God saw fit to set this precious girl into our family!

*Updated to add the family photo Sandi talked about in the comments. (Hello, Audra in my tummy!)

Foster Care Focus

I'm afraid I've lost some of you with those last two heart-heavy, lengthy posts regarding fears and attachment. (Are you doing okay with all of this?) Please know that if you've commented this month on any post, I have prayed for you by name and will continue to.

* * *

We're in the middle of a month-long focus on adoption and foster care, and with this post, I'm switching gears from adoption to the topic of foster care.

Our own experience as foster care parents is limited-- but that doesn't mean I didn't write extensively about it! We became licensed foster parents with the hope of being able to then adopt a child from our state. Licensed and waiting, we decided to do some short-term, interim care since we did not yet have a referral (or any on the horizon), and there was a great need in our community.

Ella and Baby B

Our first little foster child~ a girl~ was brought to us at just five weeks old, and she spent one month with our family. Some of you will remember her as Baby "B". She would have been with us much longer, but we received Adelia's referral at the end of that first month. There was an overlap for a few days when both girls were with us at the same time, until another placement could be arranged for Baby B.

Our two foster babies, Baby B and Adelia

Then we said goodbye to Baby B and welcomed Adelia into our home. We fostered Adelia for 8 months until we were able to adopt her. And that's the extent of our foster care experience.

I shared about our foray into foster care with Baby B in the following posts, for anyone who is interested:

Beginning
Thoughts on Day 1
My heart (day 3)
Delight (a few weeks in)
Oh, my heart
The goodbye, Part 1
The goodbye, Part 2
The goodbye, Part 3
The goodbye, Part 4
Part 5: Final thoughts

We are currently in the process of renewing our foster care license, and we sincerely hope to be able to foster other children in the future.

Since we're not currently fostering, though, I want to introduce you to someone who is, and who has more experience in the realm of foster care. I'll begin with the post One Foster Mom's Story, Part 1, coming up on Monday.

Attachment Struggles with an Adopted Child

Throughout November we're discussing adoption and foster care. Here is what we've covered so far:
Intro to This Month's Adoption Focus
God's Heart for the Orphan
God's Heart for the Orphan: Our Response
Fears About Adoption and Fostering

* * *

Many of you have expressed concerns about bonding/attachment with an adopted child, and I would be remiss not to write about it, but this is by far the topic I feel the least qualified to be writing about. Wow. I'm going to tackle it, here, to the best of my ability and understanding.

I think all adopted children have attachment issues on some level. This is my general understanding, from what I've read. When the attachment/bond between a child and his/her birth mother is broken-- at any age-- it wreaks havoc on a child. It's as if they know, inherently- that they've been rejected, in a sense, by the one person who should love them the most-- and it affects them deeply. That hurt is processed and expressed differently, depending on the child. While we have not experienced this with Adelia on any level to date, this is something have experienced with Isaias.

Isaias, 9 months old~ Guatemala City

I don't want to go into the specifics of our experience with our son here on the blog- but I will say that it has been very difficult at times. Those who know us well can attest to that. I have made many, many mistakes-- mainly by reacting to him in anger, oh-so-often, and by being cold and distant to him in response to his lack of affection to me. I believe I could write an entire book on how not to parent, dear readers. I am thankful that God has used this experience to humble me (don't ever pray for humility unless you want God to truly stretch you!), and to teach me so much along the way.

God is ever faithful, and Mark and I have seen changes in our Isaias, and God has answered many prayers. When we look back at some of the issues that were going on a couple years ago, many of those are not even present anymore. And those that are are much less frequent. We can genuinely see fruit in him and in our relationship with him. I have no idea what we'll face in the future with him or with Adelia, but I rest in God's faithful instruction to us as we parent.

Here are a few things I am learning in the midst of this:

I must cling to God's Word

When things seemed hopeless, I just held onto the truth of God's Word. I hung onto this one, especially:

Do not call to mind the former things,
Or ponder things of the past.
"Behold, I will do something new,
Now it will spring forth;
Will you not be aware of it?
I will even make a roadway in the wilderness,
rivers in the desert.

(Isaiah 43: 18-19, NAS)

I'm ashamed to admit how often I dwelt on the difficulty of our interactions. (More on that in a minute.) But here God is, saying, "Do not call it to mind; do not ponder those things... I'm going to do something NEW." So I just hoped and trusted that this was true; that God *would* do something new in our son and in our relationship with him; that He would make a roadway in the wilderness; rivers in the desert.

I must take captive every thought (to make it obedient to Christ)~ 2 Corinthians 10:5

Due to the nature of our struggles, and in comparison to the relative ease it has been to parent our biological children, it was easy for me to view Isaias as The Problem, and become frustrated at him (outwardly or inwardly) because of it. I had to purposefully, actively choose to think otherwise. One of the ways I have done this is to write down all the whatevers I can think up about him. By "whatevers" I mean this verse from Philippians:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

So I would just write them down in my journal, everything he did that was praiseworthy that day or week. Even if I could only think of one thing, I wrote it down.

The first part of that verse says "whatever is true... think about such things". This is another thing I did (and still do. I did this just today in my journal!) I will sit down and just write out truths; what I *know*. This was especially important for me to do when I found myself sinking into this line of thinking: "I can't do this... I don't want to do this... I cannot muster up _____ (love/patience/kindness, etc.) for this child today." And then I get to thinking of all the ways that I have screwed up, culminating in the fear that this broken little boy came to us and I have just done him the disservice- through my own sin- of making that hurt in him so very much bigger than it was when he arrived. I recognize that those are lies of the enemy. But I *know* better (even if I don't always feel it) because of the truth. So I list truths:

• You chose Isaias for our family.
• You chose *me* to be Isaias' mama.
• You know what Isaias needs, even when I do not.
• You are my Helper.
• I can do all things in *Your* strength.

Things like that.

I must be prayerful

John 10:10 says "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." We know this about Satan: he wants to steal, kill and destroy. But Jesus came that we might have life, and life abundant!

So we have prayed over areas of Isaias' life that we see Satan wanting to steal, kill and destroy: (love, affection, acceptance, worth, trust, security, etc).

And we have prayed- often- for wisdom for us as parents; that God would grant us wisdom beyond our years; that His Spirit would guide us in every situation we face with *each* of our children.

Finally, I often think of this passage of Scripture, from Isaiah 61, because I think it encapsulates what our adopted children need from us, as extensions of God's great love for them. Here's my own little paraphrase of the above linked-to actual Scripture:
He has anointed us, as adoptive parents,
to preach good news to the poor (our adopted children),
to bind up their broken hearts,
to proclaim freedom for them...
to comfort them when they mourn,
to provide for them when they grieve,
to bestow upon them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
They *will* be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.

I feel convicted all over again as I read that anew. Please understand that we are so far from having it all together. I am so, so thankful that our children belong to Him. He is working in their hearts and we, as parents, are just coming alongside of the Holy Spirit's work in them. It is not up to us; it is up to Him. He alone has the power to bring healing and restoration to our adopted children. As for us, I am thankful that His mercies are new every morning.

Fears About Adoption and Fostering

What if we get a child who disrupts our life?
What if that child's needs would be too overwhelming for me as a mama?
What if that child wouldn't fit in with my other children?
Will I be able to love that child as I love my biological children?
What if our home is just too small?
What if we can't afford it?
What if I don't feel attached or bonded to that child?
What if the process itself is just too overwhelming?
Will I be able to care for another child without sacrificing the needs of my own children?

I am a little teary as I sit to write today. I've just read again through your comments on this post, and so many of you have shared so openly and honestly your fears and the questions you have. Thank you for that. I am so grateful for your words. I've just spent some time praying that God would use me~ somehow, as only He can do~ to address those fears.

I feel very humbled by the opportunity to write on this at all. I'm just a girl who loves Jesus and is trying to take Him at His Word and live to honor Him. And doing a whole lot of stumbling around in the process, mind you. A big part of me is saying, "Surely there are others more qualified to tackle this. Who am I to speak to these deep fears and questions?" (Heck, I have them, too!) But then there is another part of me that is eager to share what God has taught me and what I think about it all. So here goes.

Here is my encouragement to you if any of the above fears are yours: take them to Jesus. Lay that fear before Him. Lay it down and walk away. Fear is Satan's tool, not God's. In Christ we do not need to be afraid. Period. Do you know how many times it says in the Bible, "Do not fear" or "Do not be afraid"? LOTS! Start looking them up, and then: take Him at His word! Keep taking those fears to Jesus.

I came very close to walking away from our second adoption due to fears I had, and all the what-if questions that tormented me. I was familiar with several of the "horror stories"-- and for a time I was paralyzed by the fear. I prayed and cried and talked to Mark and a couple of other people, and finally I found solace within the pages of my Bible. I wrote out every single verse I could find on fear and just journaled and prayed through each one until my fears subsided and I was resting on the promises of God instead. I trusted Him, that He had called us to this, that He had confirmed it again and again throughout the process, and that He would be with us through every bit of it-- that even if it was horrific, we would rest in God's Word and trust that He had called us to it. So we moved forward. I could literally weep at the thought that my fears could have kept me from this beautiful girl.

This is the first time I held Adelia

God will meet every single need of yours. You just have to choose to believe Him; to take Him at His word.

There are no guarantees. All of the fears you have may come to pass. Many of the fears listed above have been the case in our own situation with Isaias: the attachment struggles, the disruption from the peace in our home, the overwhelming nature of it all. Yep. Been there. Still there on some of those issues. We're living it. I won't lie to you-- it is difficult. But it can be done, because God has sustained us through every bit of it. We rest in Him and in the truth of His Word when we are fearful and overwhelmed. He meets us, every time. God is the only one who has the power to heal the brokenness in these children, and it is our privilege to lead them to Him.

I absolutely think you need to be prayerful about each step of this process. And I think there is wisdom in prayerfully setting some boundaries. (For us, we have determined that if a child has a history of abuse, we are not going to sign up for that child to be in our home while we have little, vulnerable children. We pray that God would raise up someone else (perhaps someone whose children have left the home, or whose children are older) for those children. Mark and I have also made the decision to foster and adopt only children that are younger than our youngest child.)

So we've established that there are some unknowns; that you have fears and you need to take them to Jesus. Then you need to leave it in His hands. Your prayer becomes, "Lord, we want to obey You. You've put this on our hearts and we want to honor You in this. Will You choose a child for our family?" Then you leave it to Him. It is God who sets the lonely in families, not us. Rest in the knowledge that He knows you completely. He knows what you can handle. He knows your biological children- intimately. He created each and every one of us! There is no one who knows you like the God who created you. He will bring you the child of His choosing.


Next up: Attachment Struggles with an Adopted Child

God's Heart for the Orphan: Our Response

Life lived by faith, in obedience to God's Word, is an adventure. My tidy little world was pretty rocked throughout our international adoption process. We had no money to speak of. We had daunting piles of paperwork and forms to be exactly filled out. We had appointments to make (social workers, home study, fingerprints, doctors, etc). None of these are my favorite things. Some people thrive on that kind of organizational nightmare challenge. Not me. There were delays and setbacks (pretty much a given with all international adoptions) and then there was the great unknown: who would our child be? We literally had no idea who we would end up with, what that child's history was, or what that child's future would entail.

Why go through it at all? Well, there is this. And as if that wasn't enough, then there is this verse, too, that I could not shake at the time- nor since that time, from Luke (12:48):

From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.

That is us. We have been given so much. There are children in this world who have been abandoned, orphaned, and who have no one to care for their basic needs, let alone anyone to love them. There is a huge need and we are able to do something about it! At the time we really felt (and still do feel) a huge sense of responsibility. God has blessed us so abundantly. There was no question to us where God stands on the matter, and so now it came down to this: What would our response be?

I am convinced that is has to be *something*. I do not think we can sidestep this issue. I'm not saying that everyone should adopt or become a foster parent, but I think the Bible is clear on the fact that we must care for the orphan, somehow. That can look differently for each person/couple/family, yes. But the fact remains that it is our responsibility as followers of Jesus to do this.

Here's the thing: it is a huge step of obedience and faith. HUGE. But: you do not go it alone. He is with you, He is with you, He is with you.

One of the best things for me during each of our adoptions was that, when all was said and done~ I was closer to Jesus than ever before. In fact-- although I may have complained just a wee bit about the process itself (okay, so... a LOT bit), and although I was overwhelmed *many* times through it all, and really and truly full of fear at times.... when those final papers were signed and it was a done deal? I was sad to have it end, because it was a thrilling ride. Not the paperwork, no. But the turning to Jesus at each new roadblock. The utter dependence upon God through it all. The I-don't-know-what-You're-doing-here-Lord-but-I-trust-You-anyway kind of faith. Praying fervently and then watching Him work. Trusting and seeing Him deliver. It is invigorating, that kind of faith. (Don't you want that? Don't you long for that kind of relationship with Jesus? I do!)



Next up: Fears About Adoption and Fostering

God's Heart for the Orphan

Thank you for all of your thoughtful comments on the Intro post. (I am convinced that I have the best blog-readers out there. I love you all so much, and think you are all so encouraging and inspiring.)

If you're just joining us, we're taking this entire month to discuss the topic of adoption and foster care. We began here if you'd like to catch up. Now, on to today's post....

* * *

As we consider the topics of adoption and foster care, I think there is only one right place to start:

God's Word.

I'm not going to give my thoughts on these verses- at least not just yet. (I can't promise that my thoughts won't spill over in future posts!) I'm just going to let God's Word speak for itself. Also... I know it's tempting to see a list of verses and skim the first one or two and then click away. I want to ask you, though, to read each and every one:

He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the alien, giving him food and clothing. ~Deut. 10:18

You, O God... are the helper of the fatherless. ~Psalm 10:14

You hear, O LORD, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry, defending the fatherless and the oppressed, in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more. ~Psalm 10:17-18

A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.
God sets the lonely in families. ~Psalm 68:5-6

For he will deliver the needy who cry out, the afflicted who have no one to help. He will take pity on the weak and the needy and save the needy from death. He will rescue them from oppression and violence, for precious is their blood in his sight. ~Psalm 72:12-14

Defend the cause of the weak and fatherless; maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed. Rescue the weak and needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked. ~Psalm 82: 3-4

The Lord watches over the alien and sustains the fatherless and the widow. ~Psalm 146:9

Learn to do right! Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow. ~Isaiah 1:17

For in you the fatherless find compassion. ~Hosea 14:3

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. ~James 1:27

Intro to this Month's Adoption Focus

The picture above shows our two adopted children, Isaias (5), adopted from Guatemala when he was 9 months old; and Adelia (2), adopted through our state's foster/adopt program when she was less than a month old.

I want so much to share my passion for adoption with you throughout the month of November. I have prayed that God would give me the words to express my heart, and that He would use this series of posts to stir some of you to move forward on this journey. (Yeah, I'm not going to lie to you. I want some of *you* to end up fostering and/or adopting! And I'm praying it would be so. I have read your emails, and tucked your stories into my heart and prayers, and I know there are many of you who have pondered this and thought, "Someday... maybe we'll do that." I'm hoping God will use these posts~ amongst all the other ways He will choose to speak to you~ to encourage you to take that next step.)

I hope to cover these topics, to name a few:

• attachment/bonding
• what to do when your husband doesn't want to adopt
• fears
  
• blending of biological/adopted kids in one family
• our own process
• foster care: one family's story
  

Like I said before, I am an open book. I would love for this to be an open discussion, between you and me (and others who will guest-post this month), as we work our way through these topics.

Here's a question to get us started: What do you think are some fears people have when they consider foster care and/or adoption? These fears may be your own, or fears you've heard from others.

I'll start. My fears, throughout our journey, have been many, ranging from financial worries: How will we ever be able to afford this?! to a pressing fear of the unknown: What kind of child will we end up with? Can I do this? Will I be able to love/parent that child rightly?

Your turn. Leave a comment! Feel free to do so anonymously if that will be the difference between you leaving a comment and not.




[Next up: God's heart for the orphan]