Fostering a heart of gratitude

*2006 post*

Something Mark and I talk a lot about is how to foster a heart of gratitude and contentment in our children. The fact is that as Americans, we are rich. We are presented almost daily with opportunities to buy our children STUFF. There are toys, clothes, books, food, CDs and DVDs. Add to that the opportunities to go to the movies, the zoo, amusement parks, vacations, and other places.

How can we as parents raise children who are grateful for what they have, who are content, who are not materialistic-minded, who are not greedy, who are generous and would prefer giving rather than receiving? To take that a step further, what can we do as parents to teach our children to be content with little? Also, what can we do to limit the stuff our children get?

My husband can count on one hand the toys he played with as a child. I asked him today, and he gave me the list: “those green army guys, Legos, Lincoln logs and Matchbox cars.” That’s it. Four bins of toys. Can you imagine?!?! Now, let me just say that my husband was not deprived by any stretch of the imagination. He would be the first to tell you that. (He has four brothers, after all. Who needs toys when you have each other? They played football, war, or built dams and re-routed the creek on their property. They did chores. They read. They studied. They poured their pennies out onto the floor and lined them up by year). Those boys played for hours without any toys whatsoever. And my husband is the most content man I know. He truly doesn’t want anything. Oh, how I want that characteristic in our children!

I’m currently reading Hints On Child Training by H. Clay Trumbull. (the great-grandfather of Elisabeth Elliot.) This book was originally published in 1890. He writes,

Children of the present day- especially children of parents in comfortable worldly circumstances- are far more likely than were their fathers and mothers to lack lessons of self-denial. The standard of living is very different now from a generation since. There were few parents in any community in this country fifty years ago who could buy whatever they wanted for their children; or, indeed, for themselves. There was no freeness of purchases for children, for the table, for the house or the household, as is now common on every side. Children then did not expect a new suit of clothes every few months. Often they had old ones made over for them, from those of their parents or of their elder brothers and sisters. A present from the toy-shop or bookstore was a rarity in those days. There was not much choosing by children what they would eat as they sat down at the family table…. Self-denial, or more or less of personal privation, came as a necessity to almost every child in the younger days of many who are now on the stage of active life. But how different now!

The average child of the present generation receives much more presents and more indulgences from his parents in any one year of his life than the average child of a generation ago received in all the years of his childhood. Because of this new standard, the child of today expects new things, as a matter of course; he asks for them, in the belief that he will receive them. In consequence of their abundance, he sets a smaller value upon them severally. It is not possible that he should think as highly of any one new thing, out of a hundred coming to him in rapid succession, as he woul dof the only gift of an entire year.

Trumbull goes on to emphasize that a child should not get what he wants merely because he wants it. Not just for the sake of denying the child, but in order to bring gain to the child as he learns that he must do without what he wants.

I don't know about you, but I see this as a much 'richer' way to live: with less. And for this reason, we try to say no around here. Not all the time, but do we say no more than yes? Oh, I hope so. Now, our children are young and rarely ask for things, so us “saying no” can be defined as me, Stacy, standing in front of some cool thing I know my child would love (Bob the Builder pajamas for my 2-year-old son was a recent one) and debating. Would he love them? Yes. Would I love to see the look on his face when he sees them? Absolutely. But, I choose no. And then again, the next time I see them, no.

I also think that a child being denied something they want gives them a much greater appreciation if they do at some point get the object of their little heart’s desire. Our 4-year-old had been pining for Dora underwear for at least six months, asking for them numerous times in many stores. (We’re not really sure why the Dora fascination; she knows nothing about Dora, but she saw her picture once in a Christmas flyer and has liked Dora ever since!) Each time she asked, we’d ask her if she needed new underwear. She’d say “No,” and put them back on the rack without complaint. She asked again a week ago, and this time we finally got some for her. She was so delighted and grateful. She cherishes them; she places a higher value on them.

And then there's just the accumulation of stuff other people give to our children. It is generally around the Fall and Winter months that this conversation again presents itself in our home. Within that season, two out of our three childrens’ birthdays occur, and of course: Christmas. Mark and I each have large families, and we still all get together (aunts and uncles and cousins) for birthday celebrations. So our children walk away from their birthdays with many new things. And then Christmas falls a month or so later. This is a lot of stuff accumulated in a short time.

We try to limit the toys our children have. I don’t have a regular system for this, other than that we try to load up a bunch of toys occasionally (when the kids are asleep) and take them to the consignment store or to Goodwill. They’ve never missed anything that has disappeared.

The other thing we do is buy books, instead of toys. We have a birthday tradition with our children: On their birthday, we all go to the bookstore and they get to choose a book. (After a couple of years of coming home with lame character- paperback books, we’ve smartened up: Now we enter the store with a list of books we’ve (Daddy and I) agreed upon ahead of time, we pull those down and they can choose from our narrowed selection).

It’s not that I don’t want our children to have toys, I just don’t want them to have a LOT of toys (or a lot of anything, for that matter.) I want them to value people over things. I want them to have thankful hearts. I want them to enjoy giving far more than getting. I want them to be content with what they have- even if what they have may be little; I don't want them to always be looking for their next perk.

So, I’d like to throw this out there for some of you wise mothers: Is this a struggle in your homes? What do some of you do to address this? Do you make it a practice to say no? What do you find yourself saying no to most often? Are there things you do to limit the stuff your children accumulate?