Fostering: A Bigger Picture

David Platt, author of this amazing book, which I blogged about here, is the pastor of a church in Alabama. I listen to his sermons online whenever I get the chance, and am always challenged and inspired by his faithful presentation of the Gospel.

In a sermon I listened to last year, I heard him tell a story that I have not forgotten (and I am so sorry, but I cannot, for the life of me, remember the name of the sermon or otherwise I'd direct you right to it, but I believe he mentioned this particular story in the book, too. And I'll keep looking for the sermon itself and update if I track it down!) I'm going to retell it, here, to the best of my memory.

* * *

David Platt, in preparation for a sermon on orphan care, (from James 1:27) got in touch with the social services office in his area to ask about the needs in their own community for foster parents. The woman he spoke with said their need was great; it always is. There are always more children than the places available for them. Platt asked, off the cuff- exactly how many foster parents would they need to take care of every child in their community? She laughed. He asked again. She said, "All of them?" He said, "Yes. All of them." She did some quick figuring and said that in order to have places for every child in their community, they would need 150 foster parents. As he stood before his congregation the following Sunday, he challenged them to consider what that might mean for them, as a church, to step up and fill that need in their own community.

He arranged for the foster parent training to be held (at their church, I think), and guess how many families showed up for the training, willing to become foster parents?

160.

!

(Doesn't that just make you want to jump up and down at how great God is?!?!)

As these members began to serve as foster care families, Platt met again with local officials. One of the women pulled him aside and asked him what he had told these people that had made them come and do this. Platt told her that they came because the God who loves children told them to come and reflect His love to the children around them.

* * *

I love this story so much I think I've told it to everyone I know.... twice. :) This is just amazing on so many levels.

As a foster parent, each week I get an email asking for homes for children in our own community. Just last week the email asked for care for the following children:

• Boy- 2 1/2 years old (placed in Protective Custody the previous night)
• Boy- 20 months old (needs placement for 3-6 months)
• Girl- 15 years old
• Boy- 5 1/2 years old (placement needed for 3 months or longer)

The email also requested respite care (a break for the foster parents) for a sibling group for just a few days, and care for a 12-year old girl for 20 days. The week before this there was a different list of children. The week following this there was a new list. More children- displaced, either temporarily or permanently- and in need.

I would just love it so much if the state could come to count on the CHURCH~ people who love Jesus!~ to be the ones caring for these children! Can you imagine the testimony that would be to the social workers and placement coordinators? That the foster parents who were consistently available and willing were always the Christians? That there was no shortage of help from the Christian community? That they were wonderful to work with; and the kids found love and security with these families, and sometimes-- permanent homes? There is NO WAY that would not have a HUGE impact on everyone involved.

It's why Mark and I are renewing our foster care license, why we're updating our paperwork and logging away hours of training and choosing again to open our hearts and lives to what God may have for us~ and to be a part of the larger community of social services- the social workers and the staff at our own local office- and be a blessing to them throughout the process.

I have a few more posts scheduled for this month, but we're winding down, here... and I want you to know, again- that I am praying for each one of you, by name. If you've commented, your name is written in my journal- several times... and my prayers for you follow your name. I am praying that God would move in *your* heart (yes, you!) to rise above the fears and all the what-ifs and to step out in faith and move towards fostering or adoption.

One Foster Mom's Story, Part 2

"One little guy we had came into the foster system from the hospital. This two-year-old boy had a very young mom who had made a poor choice in a boyfriend. The boyfriend physically assaulted this boy so hard that his heart stopped beating. The hospital doctors were able to bring him back to life, literally. He was the most outgoing, beautiful and sweet little boy. He loved life and was a joy to have in our home. He just needed someone to protect him from life!"

"Another little baby girl we had from the hospital had a mama who had given up other children, but for some reason or another continued to get pregnant and kept having babies. This little girl was beautiful and precious."

Yesterday you heard from my sister Stefany, and she shared some stories of their foster children- stories like the ones you see again at the top of this post- and she answered some questions about doing foster care (If you missed Part 1, please click here.) Today we're going to continue our Q & A in Part 2:

What has been the biggest surprise for you?
Definitely how few children we’ve had. Because of the great need, we thought we’d be called all the time. But we’ve noticed there are lulls. Right now it seems there’s a greater need for homes for teens. Although friends of ours that have said they are willing to take more than one child at a time are constantly called. It all depends on how many, and the age you’re willing to have in your home.


How have your children done with foster care?
So far, so good. I know it’s hard for them to say goodbye, but it’s a blessing they are kids and live life with a black and white perspective. They know that saying goodbye means saying hello to the next little one. They like the fact that they are helping others. That said, the little guy we had for the longest, they still talk about and wonder how he’s doing, wishing they could see him again. Of course, we won’t know how it really affects them until later in life when they can verbalize more of their thoughts and feelings like an adult. But for now, we really feel like it’s given them a more rich perspective on our world. They now see the needs of others more readily, they know they can serve others’ needs by merely a hug, a kind word or by playing with someone.



What would your encouragement be to someone interested in doing foster care?
How can we not? There are thousands of children just in our region alone waiting for a foster family. These are CHILDREN that need a home. If our hearts are supposed to be broken with the same things that break God’s heart; then this is definitely a way to be Christ-like and serve in our own communities!


Each one is so heartbreaking. I'm tearing up just writing this. We've cried over these kids, wept at what they've had to endure already in their short lives. We continue to be amazed at the life situations that others are struggling with. In our country. Not somewhere else, but here in our own backyards. We are grateful to God for our upbringings, and the many, many luxuries of family and friends that we've turned to for help in the midst of life's struggles and the church communities we've leaned on for support through our own challenges. How can one move through this life without others' support? We can be that support sometimes by taking in a child that needs a place to be safe, warm, loved, entertained and held. We can be God's arms like He so often is for us through others around us!

{Thank you, Stef!}

For those of you reading, if there are other questions you would like Stefany to answer, I bet I could twist her arm (or bribe her with the promise of some Starbucks coffee ;)) and she would be happy to answer! Just leave a comment!

One Foster Mom's Story, Part 1

"One little girl we cared for had been born prematurely and her mother had left her at the hospital. The mother hadn't told any family members she was pregnant. She flew out to Seattle to visit a family member, went into labor, and left a few days later. Her beautiful daughter was left alone in the hospital in the NICU with no one to visit her. We got her when she was released from the hospital. She was a precious little girl who unfortunately was born to a very young woman who wasn't ready to be a mama to her."

* * *

"A two-year-old boy came into our care because his mom needed to leave for her night shift at work. She was trying to make money for her and her son. A friend of hers was supposed to come over to watch her son while he slept. The friend never showed up and she didn't want to lose her job, so she left her little boy sleeping alone in the apartment. He woke up, went to a neighbor, and the police intervened from there. "

Those are just two stories of many a foster mom could share with you. One reason I think it is so important for us-- as a church at large-- to get involved in foster care is this: Many of us~ in our safe, happy, suburban lives~ would never "rub shoulders" with people in these types of situations. We may hear about such a story on the news but not be personally invested in it. Yet there are so many children in our own communities who are living in this kind of reality; who are being parented by someone who has never been parented themselves, and who have little chance of growing up and avoiding the same cycle.

The state wants these children safe. Those of us who know and love Jesus have the ability to offer foster children more than just a safe, secure environment. We can offer them our love, our prayers and true, lasting security in Jesus Christ.

I'm so excited to get to introduce you today to someone who is welcoming foster children into her home (and the one who shared those two stories at the beginning of this post.) So without further ado, allow me to introduce you to...

...my sister! I am so proud of her and the ministry their family has in caring for foster children, and am so thankful she agreed to answer some questions regarding her experiences. I'll let her introduce herself, and then we'll get on with the Q & A.

My name is Stefany. I’m married to my best friend, Dan and together we have three amazing children: Megan (10), Madison (9) and Cole (6) and a cat named Starbucks! We’ve been foster parents for over 2 years and plan to renew our foster care license next summer for another 3 years!


Welcome to the blog, Stef. :) Thank you for being willing to do this! Let's get started with some questions...

What made you decide to do foster care?

Well, I had always wanted to adopt, but after having 3 kids of our own, my husband and I decided foster care fit our family better. We wanted to still be able to focus on our own kids but also care for those in our state that needed some temporary help. Also, as Christians, we’ve both been drawn to God’s commands to take care of the needy; children seem to be where God has called us to at this point in our lives.



Can you give us the stats about the children you've had in your care? (How many kids have you fostered, length of care, their ages and situations?)

We got our foster care license in July 2008. We have had 8 kids since that time.

• K & I, a sibling set, girl(3) and boy(2). They had been physically abused, and spent 4 nights with us.
• C, a 3-year-old girl whose mom went to jail. She was with us for 2 nights.
• T, an 11-month-old boy whose mom went to jail. He was with us for 1 ½ years.
• M, a preemie girl we got straight from hospital, where her mom had left her. She was with us for 2 months.
• A, a 2-year-old boy who had been physically abused. He spent 3 months with us.
• A, a 2-day-old girl. Her mom couldn’t take care of her. She was with us for 1 ½ weeks.
• E, a 2-year-old boy who was left alone at home. He spent 4 nights with us.
• A, 1-year-old girl who was taken due to neglect. She is currently still with us
.

What were your fears (if any) going into it?
I didn't have any fears. The state is so helpful in letting foster parents choose an age range, and what level of medical care you want to provide. 



What has been the hardest part?
The hardest part has definitely been saying goodbye. I usually just let myself enjoy the time with each child and live in denial until the day they leave. Then I usually bawl my eyes out, take a deep breath and wait for the phone to ring again! Our hardest one obviously was the child that stayed with us for over a year. He felt like one of our own by the time he left. Most of the time, we’ve known where each child is ending up and each has been put into a great situation, either with a parent or relative or adopted!



Join us for more questions and stories in Part 2, coming up tomorrow!

Two years ago today...

...we adopted this amazing girl!

{Adelia with Mark~ in court, the day her adoption was final}

{Adelia, two years later}

How thankful we are that God saw fit to set this precious girl into our family!

*Updated to add the family photo Sandi talked about in the comments. (Hello, Audra in my tummy!)

Foster Care Focus

I'm afraid I've lost some of you with those last two heart-heavy, lengthy posts regarding fears and attachment. (Are you doing okay with all of this?) Please know that if you've commented this month on any post, I have prayed for you by name and will continue to.

* * *

We're in the middle of a month-long focus on adoption and foster care, and with this post, I'm switching gears from adoption to the topic of foster care.

Our own experience as foster care parents is limited-- but that doesn't mean I didn't write extensively about it! We became licensed foster parents with the hope of being able to then adopt a child from our state. Licensed and waiting, we decided to do some short-term, interim care since we did not yet have a referral (or any on the horizon), and there was a great need in our community.

Ella and Baby B

Our first little foster child~ a girl~ was brought to us at just five weeks old, and she spent one month with our family. Some of you will remember her as Baby "B". She would have been with us much longer, but we received Adelia's referral at the end of that first month. There was an overlap for a few days when both girls were with us at the same time, until another placement could be arranged for Baby B.

Our two foster babies, Baby B and Adelia

Then we said goodbye to Baby B and welcomed Adelia into our home. We fostered Adelia for 8 months until we were able to adopt her. And that's the extent of our foster care experience.

I shared about our foray into foster care with Baby B in the following posts, for anyone who is interested:

Beginning
Thoughts on Day 1
My heart (day 3)
Delight (a few weeks in)
Oh, my heart
The goodbye, Part 1
The goodbye, Part 2
The goodbye, Part 3
The goodbye, Part 4
Part 5: Final thoughts

We are currently in the process of renewing our foster care license, and we sincerely hope to be able to foster other children in the future.

Since we're not currently fostering, though, I want to introduce you to someone who is, and who has more experience in the realm of foster care. I'll begin with the post One Foster Mom's Story, Part 1, coming up on Monday.

Attachment Struggles with an Adopted Child

Throughout November we're discussing adoption and foster care. Here is what we've covered so far:
Intro to This Month's Adoption Focus
God's Heart for the Orphan
God's Heart for the Orphan: Our Response
Fears About Adoption and Fostering

* * *

Many of you have expressed concerns about bonding/attachment with an adopted child, and I would be remiss not to write about it, but this is by far the topic I feel the least qualified to be writing about. Wow. I'm going to tackle it, here, to the best of my ability and understanding.

I think all adopted children have attachment issues on some level. This is my general understanding, from what I've read. When the attachment/bond between a child and his/her birth mother is broken-- at any age-- it wreaks havoc on a child. It's as if they know, inherently- that they've been rejected, in a sense, by the one person who should love them the most-- and it affects them deeply. That hurt is processed and expressed differently, depending on the child. While we have not experienced this with Adelia on any level to date, this is something have experienced with Isaias.

Isaias, 9 months old~ Guatemala City

I don't want to go into the specifics of our experience with our son here on the blog- but I will say that it has been very difficult at times. Those who know us well can attest to that. I have made many, many mistakes-- mainly by reacting to him in anger, oh-so-often, and by being cold and distant to him in response to his lack of affection to me. I believe I could write an entire book on how not to parent, dear readers. I am thankful that God has used this experience to humble me (don't ever pray for humility unless you want God to truly stretch you!), and to teach me so much along the way.

God is ever faithful, and Mark and I have seen changes in our Isaias, and God has answered many prayers. When we look back at some of the issues that were going on a couple years ago, many of those are not even present anymore. And those that are are much less frequent. We can genuinely see fruit in him and in our relationship with him. I have no idea what we'll face in the future with him or with Adelia, but I rest in God's faithful instruction to us as we parent.

Here are a few things I am learning in the midst of this:

I must cling to God's Word

When things seemed hopeless, I just held onto the truth of God's Word. I hung onto this one, especially:

Do not call to mind the former things,
Or ponder things of the past.
"Behold, I will do something new,
Now it will spring forth;
Will you not be aware of it?
I will even make a roadway in the wilderness,
rivers in the desert.

(Isaiah 43: 18-19, NAS)

I'm ashamed to admit how often I dwelt on the difficulty of our interactions. (More on that in a minute.) But here God is, saying, "Do not call it to mind; do not ponder those things... I'm going to do something NEW." So I just hoped and trusted that this was true; that God *would* do something new in our son and in our relationship with him; that He would make a roadway in the wilderness; rivers in the desert.

I must take captive every thought (to make it obedient to Christ)~ 2 Corinthians 10:5

Due to the nature of our struggles, and in comparison to the relative ease it has been to parent our biological children, it was easy for me to view Isaias as The Problem, and become frustrated at him (outwardly or inwardly) because of it. I had to purposefully, actively choose to think otherwise. One of the ways I have done this is to write down all the whatevers I can think up about him. By "whatevers" I mean this verse from Philippians:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

So I would just write them down in my journal, everything he did that was praiseworthy that day or week. Even if I could only think of one thing, I wrote it down.

The first part of that verse says "whatever is true... think about such things". This is another thing I did (and still do. I did this just today in my journal!) I will sit down and just write out truths; what I *know*. This was especially important for me to do when I found myself sinking into this line of thinking: "I can't do this... I don't want to do this... I cannot muster up _____ (love/patience/kindness, etc.) for this child today." And then I get to thinking of all the ways that I have screwed up, culminating in the fear that this broken little boy came to us and I have just done him the disservice- through my own sin- of making that hurt in him so very much bigger than it was when he arrived. I recognize that those are lies of the enemy. But I *know* better (even if I don't always feel it) because of the truth. So I list truths:

• You chose Isaias for our family.
• You chose *me* to be Isaias' mama.
• You know what Isaias needs, even when I do not.
• You are my Helper.
• I can do all things in *Your* strength.

Things like that.

I must be prayerful

John 10:10 says "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." We know this about Satan: he wants to steal, kill and destroy. But Jesus came that we might have life, and life abundant!

So we have prayed over areas of Isaias' life that we see Satan wanting to steal, kill and destroy: (love, affection, acceptance, worth, trust, security, etc).

And we have prayed- often- for wisdom for us as parents; that God would grant us wisdom beyond our years; that His Spirit would guide us in every situation we face with *each* of our children.

Finally, I often think of this passage of Scripture, from Isaiah 61, because I think it encapsulates what our adopted children need from us, as extensions of God's great love for them. Here's my own little paraphrase of the above linked-to actual Scripture:
He has anointed us, as adoptive parents,
to preach good news to the poor (our adopted children),
to bind up their broken hearts,
to proclaim freedom for them...
to comfort them when they mourn,
to provide for them when they grieve,
to bestow upon them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
They *will* be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.

I feel convicted all over again as I read that anew. Please understand that we are so far from having it all together. I am so, so thankful that our children belong to Him. He is working in their hearts and we, as parents, are just coming alongside of the Holy Spirit's work in them. It is not up to us; it is up to Him. He alone has the power to bring healing and restoration to our adopted children. As for us, I am thankful that His mercies are new every morning.

Fears About Adoption and Fostering

What if we get a child who disrupts our life?
What if that child's needs would be too overwhelming for me as a mama?
What if that child wouldn't fit in with my other children?
Will I be able to love that child as I love my biological children?
What if our home is just too small?
What if we can't afford it?
What if I don't feel attached or bonded to that child?
What if the process itself is just too overwhelming?
Will I be able to care for another child without sacrificing the needs of my own children?

I am a little teary as I sit to write today. I've just read again through your comments on this post, and so many of you have shared so openly and honestly your fears and the questions you have. Thank you for that. I am so grateful for your words. I've just spent some time praying that God would use me~ somehow, as only He can do~ to address those fears.

I feel very humbled by the opportunity to write on this at all. I'm just a girl who loves Jesus and is trying to take Him at His Word and live to honor Him. And doing a whole lot of stumbling around in the process, mind you. A big part of me is saying, "Surely there are others more qualified to tackle this. Who am I to speak to these deep fears and questions?" (Heck, I have them, too!) But then there is another part of me that is eager to share what God has taught me and what I think about it all. So here goes.

Here is my encouragement to you if any of the above fears are yours: take them to Jesus. Lay that fear before Him. Lay it down and walk away. Fear is Satan's tool, not God's. In Christ we do not need to be afraid. Period. Do you know how many times it says in the Bible, "Do not fear" or "Do not be afraid"? LOTS! Start looking them up, and then: take Him at His word! Keep taking those fears to Jesus.

I came very close to walking away from our second adoption due to fears I had, and all the what-if questions that tormented me. I was familiar with several of the "horror stories"-- and for a time I was paralyzed by the fear. I prayed and cried and talked to Mark and a couple of other people, and finally I found solace within the pages of my Bible. I wrote out every single verse I could find on fear and just journaled and prayed through each one until my fears subsided and I was resting on the promises of God instead. I trusted Him, that He had called us to this, that He had confirmed it again and again throughout the process, and that He would be with us through every bit of it-- that even if it was horrific, we would rest in God's Word and trust that He had called us to it. So we moved forward. I could literally weep at the thought that my fears could have kept me from this beautiful girl.

This is the first time I held Adelia

God will meet every single need of yours. You just have to choose to believe Him; to take Him at His word.

There are no guarantees. All of the fears you have may come to pass. Many of the fears listed above have been the case in our own situation with Isaias: the attachment struggles, the disruption from the peace in our home, the overwhelming nature of it all. Yep. Been there. Still there on some of those issues. We're living it. I won't lie to you-- it is difficult. But it can be done, because God has sustained us through every bit of it. We rest in Him and in the truth of His Word when we are fearful and overwhelmed. He meets us, every time. God is the only one who has the power to heal the brokenness in these children, and it is our privilege to lead them to Him.

I absolutely think you need to be prayerful about each step of this process. And I think there is wisdom in prayerfully setting some boundaries. (For us, we have determined that if a child has a history of abuse, we are not going to sign up for that child to be in our home while we have little, vulnerable children. We pray that God would raise up someone else (perhaps someone whose children have left the home, or whose children are older) for those children. Mark and I have also made the decision to foster and adopt only children that are younger than our youngest child.)

So we've established that there are some unknowns; that you have fears and you need to take them to Jesus. Then you need to leave it in His hands. Your prayer becomes, "Lord, we want to obey You. You've put this on our hearts and we want to honor You in this. Will You choose a child for our family?" Then you leave it to Him. It is God who sets the lonely in families, not us. Rest in the knowledge that He knows you completely. He knows what you can handle. He knows your biological children- intimately. He created each and every one of us! There is no one who knows you like the God who created you. He will bring you the child of His choosing.


Next up: Attachment Struggles with an Adopted Child